Not jam jars then...

Okay, time for a rant and today I have a choice, jam jars or the Classical Brits which I was stupid enough to start watching last night soon realising that I’d made a big mistake and that the whole thing was going to do nothing to improve my already dark mood.

Whoops! Looks like I’ve started so I may as well finish. Jam jars will have to wait for another day; Classical Brits it is then. Stick with me.

Listen if I were to say Russell Watson, Myleene Klass, Andrew Lloyd Webber, The Military Wives and Gary Barlow what would you say? Would you say the Classic BRIT Awards 2012 in association with MasterCard (yes, MasterCard not The Royal School of Music) or would you say what I said, which was:

“Just what the f*** are these Classical Brits about? Classical? Classical my a***... that blind bloke’s singing Amazing f****** Grace for pity’s sake, and whilst I’m sure that a lot of people think it a very nice tune - not me though, I f****** hate it - it's about as classical as my f****** a*** and as for the Phantom of the f****** Opera… well, since when was Andrew f****** Lord Lloyd Webber a f*******.classical great?”

Sorry about that, overcome with a bout of loutishness – well, I’d had a few wines and I was left up late alone - but I think that my points remain valid. Just give me a moment to calm down a little and I’ll attempt to be a bit more objective - well maybe not objective, but at least not as offensive.

Yes, Lloyd Webber, Barlow and Russell Watson; you have to admit that having that lot at the Classical ‘Anything’ Awards is a lot like having a bunch of dodgy cover bands instead of  the real thing at the regular (real) Brits.

And not only that…

“The Military Wives' choirmaster described the group's prize win at the Classical Brits as "the candle on the icing of a very large cake"...”

Mmm, I could say a lot about this but suffice it to say that a bunch of random women, hero’s wives or not, can hardly be described as a choir. As for that quote from their charming imp of a choirmaster, Gareth Malone, it’s a pity he didn’t wait for a stormy day and take that particular cake out for a walk in MacArthur Park.

“The group helped to round off the evening by performing another hit, the Diamond Jubilee Anthem Song. They were accompanied by the song's composers, Take That star Gary Barlow and Andrew Lloyd Webber who both played grand pianos”

I’m sorry but I struggle to find anything good to say about this sentence other than the evening was rounded off thus bringing it to an end. If I were to say anything else at all it would be an incredulous two word question… Gary Barlow?

By the way Gareth, better not let their husbands find out.

And then I spotted Sir Anthony Hopkins in the audience and couldn’t quite work out why; surely there where no fava beans to be had at this glittering celebration of classical musical achievement?

“The Oscar-winning actor attended the awards alongside Dutch maestro Andre Rieu, who picked up the prize for album of the year for his interpretation of a waltz Sir Anthony wrote many years ago. Rieu - known as the king of the waltz - dedicated the award to Sir Anthony and said: "He is the greatest actor we have now on this planet. Tony, thank you for this fantastic waltz and thank you for your friendship." …”

Dear God, just what planet is this fiddler Andre Rieu on? It certainly isn’t Earth. Now I rarely use the word surreal outside the context of art, but Andre Rieu and Anthony Hopkins? It’s a bit Mr. Nasty meets Mr. Overly-Nice (although I’d have no idea which should be which), and whilst I admire Sir Tony’s acting ability it’s a bit of a stretch to call him the greatest actor on the planet. Still, I’m sure that the cheese string king of the schmaltz knows his actors; he certainly seems to do plenty of acting when he’s on stage pretending to play. Even so, I wonder just where Sir Michael Gambon would tell him to shove his fiddle.

Apparently the Duchess of Cornwall was due to be there but she had to pull out due to a middle ear infection and sinusitis which was probably a blessing and one of her better decisions. Maybe, given that it was her ear that was infected, one should wonder if one’s Horseyship hadn’t previously attended one’s Military Wives’ rehearsals shouldn’t one.

Bet you didn’t try to conduct your baton her way, did you Gareth.

Other than that, 20-year-old, embarrassingly awkward, pianist Benjamin Grosvenor became the youngest ever male winner at the event, taking the critics' choice prize. Russian conductor of the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra and young Vladimir Putin look-a-like (shirt on), Vasily Petrenko, took the best male artist prize for his work on five albums. Violinist Nicola Benedetti, also up for full membership (think about it) with the female violinist soft-porn appreciation society, was handed the award for top female artist for her album Italia and - surprise, surprise - in this Star Wars 35^th anniversary year, the Lifetime Achievement Award went to John Williams…no gratuitous album peddling there then.

John, who decided to send a pre-recorded video instead of attending (very science-fiction that), also received a ‘stunning tribute’ of his own music played by the London Chamber Orchestra.

Stunning? I wonder if they mean as in sent to sleep?

By the way, did I mention that Gary Barlow and Andrew Lloyd-Webber both played grand pianos? Yawn…

Oh well, perhaps I should have done jam jars after all.