Jam jar madness...

Here we go, the bloody EU again – just what is this latest rubbish about? We can't re-use jam jars for packaging jam to sell? Just how are school and village fetes, car boots, jumble sales and the WI going to cope? Yes, our friends in Europe have decreed that re-using jam jars breaches health and safety rules. I can see the posters now:

JAM KILLS! Don't sell jam in re-used jars... by order of Europe.

Always swift to act (remember the inquisition?), legal advisers to Britain’s Churches have sent out a circular informing people that whilst they can reuse jars for jam at home or to give to family and friends, they can’t sell them or even give them away as raffle prizes at a public event. What a shame, I’m always pleased when I win the plum and pickle jam instead of the toilet roll cosy in the shape of a crinoline lady.

The Women’s Institute is also advising its 210,000 members that the re-use of jam jars is verboten, interdit, vietato, interzis, forbjudet, and very naughty… although that probably won’t stop those naughty, naughty ladies (well, have you seen those calendars?)

The FSA (F’ing Silly Arses Food Standards Agency) said the rules had been introduced because there was a risk of chemicals leaching out of old jars and contaminating food.

After researching long and hard the only report of ‘Death through Jam’ I could find was this one. It was translated by a machine, but I’ve left the errors in because its fun… and yes it could only happen in A’stralia mate!

BLOKE DTED AFTER HAVING EATEN JAM. MELBOURNE.

December 11.

JohnFrederick Flint, a labourer, died at Merriman's Creek yesterday shortly after havingeaten some jam. Ilis mate states that healso intended to eat jam, but havingnoticed that it had a peculiarly bitter tasteho did not swallow any of it. It is suggested that the jam contained poison Atinqurst was opened at Sale to-dtay, and adjourned for a week, to enable the police tonurpue their enmiiries. The contents ofFlint's stomach have been sent to the Government Analyst for examination.

“Mmmm…” (strokes chin and puffs on pipe) “Perhaps it was a contaminated jam jar Watson?”

“No Shit Sherlock.”

“Well there could have been Watson; you know how these Aussies are about cleanliness. They’re all convicts you know. Maybe they didn’t wash and dry the jars, then sterilise them by heating them thoroughly in the oven on a low heat as advised on the WI fact sheet.”

“Elementary Holmes?”

“No, alimentary my dear Watson.”

Apparently Kate Moss, who makes damson jam out of fruit from her Cotswolds estate, and the Duchess of Cambridge, who keeps pot to give away to friends (sorry that should read pots), are up in arms - skinny and jam free arms as may be.

Mary Berry went even further, saying: "This is absolutely bloody stupid. It is just going too bloody far. We are bloody encouraging people to save bloody money by using bloody fruits to make bloody chutneys and jam, and if they have to buy bloody new jars it will bloody become much too bloody expensive. It’s bloody daft.2

Of course, Mary’s bloodies are mine for emphasis and also as a rather clever play on words around Bloody Mary (the drink - Have I spoilt it by explaining?) Mind you she’s got a bloody point; pristine jam jars from Wilkinson’s will set you back two quid a piece and guess what… YES, they still need to be bloody sterilised.

Canon Michael Tristran, of Portsmouth Cathedral, said: "On realising this was not a belated April Fool’s joke, I was very anxious, not only from the fundraising point of view for all our churches, but also because it goes against the green agenda of recycling."

Holy strawberries Canon Mikey, good point . When I was a boy we used to collect beer and lemonade bottles from rancid ditches, take them back to the pub and claim the 3d deposits. It never did anyone any harm - other than the odd touch of cholera and occasional dysentery - and it saved the clutter of all those bloody plastic recycle bins that we are forced to fall over these days.

Used jam jars dangerous? I ask you. What will they come up with next; a ban on singing Jerusalem?