Saturday, 29 August 2015

Holiday thoughts...

I waited so long for this holiday to happen that now that it is almost over it's already started to fade into a memory. Even as I sit watching the sun colour the Caribbean with early morning blue I feel a sense of ending.

So what has this holiday taught me and is it meant to teach me anything at all? Surely a holiday is pure enjoyment? Not for me I'm afraid. I'm always looking for the lesson learnt, how I can away with something tangible to remember and seize upon for the future.

When I tally up the financial cost of these two weeks I will worry. On a limited income to spend this much money on fourteen days seems so wrong. I can tell myself that it was 'spare' money, but in truth there is no money to spare. Not really.

For me this has been very real luxury, but for some this is just the norm, beach villas and private launches, just a part of their lifestyle. I'd like to say that I don't envy them. But sadly I do, which just shows how shallow I really am.

I have achieved nothing on this holiday, if anything I have done less than I ever have. No paintings, no great words or thoughts, not even a slight flash of inspiration. I have spent most of it isolated in my own thoughts through choice and habit. I am not the man I once was. Oh, there have been a few flashes of the old me; delight in a shared glimpse of flying fish and sunsets, shared brief smiles and memories, but basically I have been as alone as I am in my backwoods back home. Nobody's fault but my own and my self-prescribed apathy.

On the plus side, we have only shouted at each other about my terrible map reading, my navigation has been really appalling. I took up the license to drive, but have let Gaynor do it all. To be honest I was simply too scared of the automatic and the roads. Pathetic really.

I have seen some great sights, watched new creatures, swam in the sea. But basically I have drunk rum and tried to forgot that I have to go back. I was hoping that my early morning dips in the Caribbean would wash in a new me. But I don't think they have.

I have coped better with my knees, back and ankles than I expected and probably feel better physically than I have in years. I still feel more than my age though and it has stopped me doing some things that I wanted to do again. I should have swam with the turtles again, but the boat's ladder and struggling was too much in my mind. Now I know I should have tried, but didn't. What have I become? Sorry Holly, I let you down on a promise again.

And why am I writing this when I am lucky to have been here at all? Well, because I can and nobody will read it anyway, but mainly to remind myself how totally worthless I am. Worthless and pointless and too far gone to even try to change. A wasted chance in a sea of opportunity, a nothing who has not the courage to even try any more.

Hapless. Broken. Unsure. A drunk.

I guess he wins. But at least I've been on a holiday like he will never have. And there it is again. The nub of what I am and feel.

Even here and after so much.

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