Doctor’s orders…

I don’t really write about my health much. Well, there are plenty of people around who seem only too keen to tell you how they feel and how regular their bowel movements are without me joining in. When asked if I’m okay I generally say ‘yes’, although my other half would probably disagree. But if you can’t moan to your partner then who else can you winge to? Not your doctor that’s for sure.

This morning I had yet another letter demanding that I make an appointment at my local health centre. Apparently I missed my three month appointment and now, almost a year on, not only does the nurse want to take my blood pressure and discuss the results of the exercise questionnaire I haven’t filled in, but the doctor wants to see me for a… chat.

Maybe I should take an apple.

My last chat with the doctor over a year ago revolved around the question as to why I hadn’t been to see him in two years. ‘I’ve been ill,’ I dryly responded at which point he told me I’d put on weight. I explained that if he ate and drank as much as I did then he too might gain a few pounds, but this only led into a soliloquy concerning the state of his pension and how, even though he can retire at 55, he won’t be able to unless he gives up the villa in the Algarve and how a Mediterranean diet is far healthier. I tried to tell him that the Algarve wasn’t actually in the Mediterranean, but by then he was asking if I eat much oily fish? I explained how I adored battered cod and chips, but had difficulty buying whale at the fishmongers these days.

My ten minutes flew by…did you know that doctors pay huge percentages of their salaries into pension funds and are lucky if they realise a mere 50k a year… as he advised me to take more exercise (apparently swimming is good for fat, lazy people), cut down on red meat, cut out salt altogether, reduce my alcohol intake ( declared at a fraction of the reality), walk more, make an appointment to see the nurse and to come back and see him in 3 months without fail.

I failed. Well, I’ve been ill.

I wonder when they’ll send the next letter?