God save the Queen...

Okay, first things first, although why this should be first when I have so many other trivial and annoying pressing and important things to do is beyond me.

I woke up before dawn with my old companion upon beside me – how I fear love that horrendous cute black dog and the way he follows me around sometimes for days at a time, weeks even… Here boy, here boy and eat this lump of poisoned meat.

Anyway, I eventually dragged myself away from The Black Spot (as I call him) and, getting myself to my feet, went downstairs to find a letter from the Street Party Committee on my doormat. Now I don’t actually have a doormat but for the purposes of this exercise please imagine a coconut matting Union Jack in red, white, and blue (obviously).

Now the Street Party Committee aren't actually a party. They are a group of right-minded people intent on making sure that everyone celebrates and enjoys the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. Cue trumpets - TRAAALAAAAAAA.

Yes, the Diamond Jubilee celebrations loom and we are having a STREET PARTY in our… well road actually, we aren’t a street and the officious community-minded self important appointed committee had circulated a circular in A4 rectangular format. WARNING – you may need to Google this… Shades of Linda Snell!

Now simply mention the words ‘Street Party’ and anyone over the age of 50 will begin to reminisce in black and white about all those street parties of long ago that they ‘remember’ so well. Of course they are really just replaying old newsreels, but to hear them talk street parties were an almost weekly occurrence. They must have had street parties for everything - I can just picture it… ROLL SCRATCHY BLACK AND WHITE NEWSREEL WITH DAMBUSTER MUSIC IN BACKGROUND… CUE POSHLY SPOKEN TOFF MALE PROBABLY WEARING A DINNER SUIT…

“Well chaps, Old Mrs. Carter at number six has just had her hysterectomy, how about a bit of a street party to celebrate?” 

Or “Young Tommy Smith has got that flibbityjibbit Polly Perks up the duff again. Silly chap, well at least he’s a generally sensible boy, so he’s having nothing to do with her and his folks are throwing a street party to cheer him up.” 

Or “I say Fred, Did you win the match? No. Well, not to worry, why not have a street party; drink a few barrels of beer, forget your troubles, and then go home and shout at the wife?” 

Or “Lucky Billy Brown has rickets and the Local Nursing Home has given him a free pair of stainless steel callipers with the deluxe leather knee pads…” 

Well, you get the idea.

Yes, street parties at the drop of a Union Jack hat!?… Well, I’m over fifty and I remember precisely errrrrrr… one. 

And a very low key affair it was at that; even though I tried to brighten it up a little by playing ‘God Save the Queen’ by the Sex Pistols repeatedly through the PA whilst drinking can after can of Stella Export and swearing loudly each time the queen or any other members of the royal family were mentioned “PRIVILEDGED TWOTS” (letter substituted to avoid treasonal execution) – well, it was thirty five years ago and I was YOUNG -- birds and hearts flutter into the air to the strains of The Carpenter’s ‘ClOsE To yoU’ played by Johhny Rotten and band.

FACT - Street parties are usually reserved for royal occasions or the ends of big wars and are generally very few and far between unless the Germans are involved.

FACT- This latest rash of patriotism is fuelled by the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and for some reason I, who believe that the Russians pretty much got it right ding-dong-bell, am looking forward to it.

FACT - I’ve bought bunting and balloons from the £ shop to decorate the outside of my house.

FACT - of course this could be the last street party for a while given that royal divorces, deaths, and small American-led wars in desert countries don’t really seem to count on the street-party-worthy scale.

FICTION – the weather is going to be SCORCHIO, although it is forecast that way by the idiots men at the Met Office. We’ll see…

Now, about that letter from the Street Party Committee… “Well, the countdown has now begun to the Street Party to end all Street Parties! With over…”

No, I think I’ll save that for tomorrow…