Monday, 20 July 2015

Under the carpet...

I've been through a positive spell and now find myself surprised that all the clouds did not go away. Of course, I make my own weather and, with so many storms over the years why should I expect sunshine all the time? It is so hard to define why I act the way I do. I have clues, but even tiny things can set me in turmoil - a call promised that didn't happen (a two way street by the way), things that at one time I would just deal with become things that wake me sweating in the night, and then the ultimate betrayal of family which of course is probably down to me; at least that’s what I’ve been told. I no longer know, and I wish I could say that I didn't care - but I can't be a broom to sweep it all under the carpet any more.
There’s just too much dust, most of it my skin and bone.


And then there are dreams. Why is it that you can keep people you have no time for out of your life but not out of your nightmares? Bedtime, it’s when the shadows come.

Dust and shadows.

I go to bed tired these days. I don’t know why, I don’t do much. Perhaps that’s it; maybe doing almost nothing is tiring. Of course I spend a lot of my time not thinking or thinking about things other than the things my mind tells me to think about. I use distraction techniques when this happens. I play memory games on my tablet, write the blog, check my mails, Facebook, drink, look for anything that will stop me focussing on the knock, knock, knocking in my head and the swoosh of the brooms.

It sounds crazy doesn’t it? Well, maybe I am crazy.

So I go to bed tired and use more distraction techniques to stop the knocking and swooshing so that I can fall asleep - a-z of islands, twenty nursery rhymes, a-z of pop groups, twenty fairy stories, a-z of Italian food, twenty cocktails, I make up jokes, count backwards in threes from a thousand, rhyme a word to the power of ten. Eventually I fall asleep and then the knocking stops, the whooshing fades, the door opens, and I slip into dream about rabbits, and sheep, or other things.

Dust and shadows and distraction.

I dream a lot and usually they aren’t good dreams. I suppose you could call them nightmares. There are no zombies or vampires in my dreams, but there might as well be, they distract me further. I wake a lot too, three or four times a night, and when I awake I use distraction techniques to get me back to sleep. Often I slip into the same dream as I was dreaming before I awoke, sometimes it’s a repeat and other times it’s a totally new version. Dusty, crumbling houses are a major theme in my dreams as is being lost in a strange city, finding myself naked in the street or in a hotel, steep roads with no side barriers, losing keys, cars, money, passports, meeting people I don’t want to meet any longer, talking to people I don’t want to talk to ever again, reliving feelings I no longer want to feel, loving people I will never love again.

Why is it that the people I have no time for any longer still turn up in my nightmares? How do they do that? What gives the right to pop into my life uninvited whenever they want?

They say new brooms sweep clean. Is that a knock at the door?


  1. Emma Cholmondeley on FB
    I wake every night, at least 3 times! Some times I can't use any distraction techniques to go back to sleep. I am permanently knackered!

  2. Andrew Height
    Waking up a lot is better than the insomnia I lived with for years. The distraction techniques and self-hypnosis have really helped with the sleeping and anxiety.

    1. Cloe Fyne on FB
      Me too! Don't think I've had a good nights sleep since I've had kids!

    2. Paul Whitehouse on FB
      I'm with you there Emma ...I suffer same disrupted sleep pattern waking at least 3 times and feeling crap every day. Mostly I'm stressing about work. I'm interested in these distraction techniques mentioned by you and Andrew, cus I often get that thing where just as I'm dropping off I wake myself up !!!! Do you get that too?

    3. Emma Cholmondeley on FB
      Yep, it's anxiety! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy because I'm that tired - but it's not a 'gosh I've worked hard and I'll sleep well tonight' kind of tired but more a 'my mind is full and I can't switch off' version of tiredness!!! And it's a vicious cycle that really hard to break. I'm not too bad when it's half term - then I can catch up knowing that 'school stuff' can wait! Hope you are okay Paul by the way wink emoticon Gosh I have some distant memories of you from 'back in the day' wink emoticon

    4. Tim Preston on FB
      Jesus - I'm exhausted reading that! So that's what it's like inside your head?

    5. Pauline Delooze on FB

    6. Andrew Height
      Emma and Paul. There is a key that will allow you to switch off. You just need to find it. I have a CD of falling rain that I use when I really can't sleep. I also relax my body inch by inch from the toes up (no lewdness Paul). I just imagine it being covered slowly in a blue light. Anxiety is harder to deal with than stress. Stress has a cause, remove the cause and remove the stress. Anxiety is fear of everything, your fight or flight mechanism is on all the time. This is the switch you need to turn off. Tim is the mindfulness expert but living in the moment can help deal with it.

    7. Andrew Height
      It's not always like that Tim. Sometimes it is a serene and peaceful place, it depends how much I can distract myself away from all the silly worries that float around in my mind about the future and how much I can put aside the past. When I studied hypnotherapy i made a special place in my mind which i can go to. in this pace nothing can touch me. it's a small pool in a leafy green wood. in the distance i can see and hear the sea. it's very mossy and green and the light plays on a small waterfall that feeds the pool. It's a great place to go when distraction doesn't work. You know, I'm not very New Age, but it works for me.

  3. Paul Whitehouse on FB
    Sound advice there Andrew. Many thanks for that. You sound like you are the walking wounded/got the T-shirt?

    1. Andrew Height
      Life is a complicated thing Paul. It drips on you until you are soaked in it and old rain is the worse because it is icy cold.

  4. Gloria Brown on FB
    Under the carpet...interesting reading