Biebering about...

I can think of plenty of reasons to dislike Justin Bieber. Firstly he’s Canadian which, whilst not making him a bad person, does colour him a little grey and insipid.

Canadians aren’t American enough to make them Americans, not English enough to make them English, but they are just French enough to make them damned annoying - and Justin is plenty annoying.

Secondly he’s mega-rich, successful, and, according to Forbes Magazine, the ninth most powerful celebrity in the world behind Oprah at one, Lady Gaga at two, and Steven Spielberg at three.

Thirdly he’s young, just nineteen, and that’s mainly why I’m writing this.

Yes, the Biebs is a very easy young man to dislike. But at nineteen there are an awful lot of young men to which that particular trait applies. I know that at nineteen it applied to me, and maybe it still does.

So he got arrested for drag racing a Lamborghini allegedly. Okay I’ve never owned a Lamborghini, but at nineteen I was driving around in my mate’s Triumph Herald without tax, insurance, or having passed my test. At times I got that Herald up to almost sixty miles an hour – mind you I’d usually drunk five or six pints of cider first.

Okay, so he wrote in the visitor’s book at Anne Frank’s house: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” Gosh! Call the police. Actually most of that message is fine, maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned the ‘belieber’ bit, but it’s not exactly offensive. Besides I once wrote in the comments book at Valley Forge Park (where Washington fought the blooming British) “Lucky you Yanks had that German guy to help you”- well, it was.

Right, so he peed in a mop bucket and more recently in the snow by the side of the road. Well excuse me, but hands up any man out there who hasn’t taken a leak in a place that isn’t a designated place for peeing - especially when drunk. Not one hand I bet. I once locked myself out of the house and had to pee in a pot full of geraniums. Another time, stuck in traffic on the M6 for 3 hours, I had to leave my car and pee by the side of the road while three lanes of watchers applauded.

Off course, he didn’t have exactly the right paperwork for his monkey so the German authorities confiscated it. Well, we all know how the Germans like you to have the right paperwork. But at nineteen I probably wouldn’t have though about it. At nineteen you think everything is cool, even those German authority dudes. Anyway, since when did making a mistake with some forms get you into hot water? Anyone would think that he was a day late with his tax return or had refused to fill in his census.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a prat and his music sucks. He gets drunk, smokes pot, does a Banksy with walls, swears about politicians, takes risks, has sex with lots of pretty girls, rebels, and likes to look mean for the camera. Anyone recognise this? I know I do. It was me a long time ago – well apart from the ‘lots’ and ‘pretty girls’ thing. My girlfriends were usually passable (just) and didn’t rotate that much. Some would say that he’s a role model and should behave like one. But he’s nineteen and at nineteen do any of us make or want to be good role models? He’s a teenager, so why should we not expect him to act like one?