I might go to the pictures tomorrow…

My life seems a little empty at the moment, a little pointless. Yes, I know that I was saying just the opposite only a day or so ago, but I can change my opinion can’t I? Empty, drifting, purposeless. Not that I’m saying that it hasn’t ever been that way, and of my own making, but these days I have time to dwell - and time to dwell, in many ways, allows us all to create our own little hell. That’s why I spring out of bed (well, not spring maybe – a simple ‘get’ would cover it) because the more I dwell the more I worry and the more I think about what once was - and, thing is: everything is better when looked through the glasses of the past - and let’s face it you got what you got; so get on with it.

Is that a widow I see above me and are my sentences getting longer? Bloody internal conversations.

That friend of mine, the blogger one I often refer to, told me by way of his words this morning that his life was boring. Boring! This is a man that goes to the cinema! I dream of going to the cinema, it’s a treat, something to be worked towards, something to plan weeks in advance if only to get the energy up to make it happen. Spur of the moment cinema-going? You’ve got to be joking haven’t you? The nearest multiplex is a ten minutes walk from my home; it isn’t something you just up and do.

Perhaps my life would be a little bit more interesting if I was a more ‘spur of the moment’ person, but as it is I don’t even channel-hop – I go to the programme menu and ponder.

Maybe it should be like this…

Wakes up: What shall I do today?

Ponders: I know - go to the airport, get on the first plane available, see where it takes me and never come back.

No, maybe a little too much, perhaps this…

Wakes up: What shall I do today?

Ponders: I know - go to the seaside, pack a picnic for one and go watch all those metal men sink beneath the water.

Or even…

Wakes up: What shall I do today?

Ponders: I know - go to the pictures, choose a film, buy a ticket and watch it.

Instead though…

Wakes up: What shall I do today?

Ponders: …………………………..

And half an hour later I’m still pondering before doing what I always do and settling back into my comfortable, self-made, rut. Yes, I’ve become an expert in filling my time seemingly with nothing. Just how did I ever find time to do all those things and go all those places? Maybe time has changed or perhaps I’m moving in slo-mo through mud, it certainly feels that way sometimes.

Listen, I’m not complaining, I know everything is in my control, that if anything is going to be change it starts and ends with me – and yes, I know that some would feel my life was full, well-rounded and interesting. It’s just that I don’t. Maybe most people are like that - could be that we all are. I read somewhere that millionaires are more prone to suicide that paupers and successful people never stop worrying about failing. Yes, it can be shit being a human being, but as I said you got what you got.

So in conclusion: I may go to the cinema tomorrow. Maybe.

Ponders………………….