And Jubileeily finally...

All this Jubilee stuff has got me thinking. Now, I’ve never been big on the monarchy (off with my head) but after seeing so many people enjoying (more beer, more beer) such good times last weekend it is hard to disagree that generally and for whatever reason the monarchy (God bless ‘em guv’nor) seems to be held in good regard.

Of course women have always done well in the job. Elizabeth One had sailing captains going all over the place discovering stuff and inventing America and potatoes and tobacco, wearing wooden teeth and being a tart virgin. Victoria, on the other hand wasn’t a virgin, and of course managed to end up owning most of the world and married a German who invented Christmas trees but couldn’t bring himself to wear a condom. She was also a keen inventor and came up with more inventions than it is possible to name – the flushing toilet, black lace (the material not the seventies pop phenomenon) and Ouija boards being just three of the most well-known and useful.

Our own Queen, Elizabeth two, hasn’t had quite the Golden Age of Elizabeth One or Queen Vic (who I believe was named after a pub) but then she hasn’t had quite the same opportunities -- what with most of the world being almost civilised and taken when she came to reign and let’s not forget that awful World War Two which couldn’t have helped, nasty doodlebuggy things. Who knows, if not for that war we might still have an Empire and not just a few tiddly islands that nobody else really wants anyway (well, maybe the Virgin Islands) - I, of course, exclude Malta (which is still ours really), the Falklands, and The Channel Islands from this overly sweeping statement.

But you do have to admire the way that she managed to so graciously let go of the Commonwealth (previously Empire) ( Note: Vic would never have done that and would have sent in the dragoons) - and apparently she’s a smashing mum – always ready with a cup of Olvaltine and a plaster for that poor, poorly, knee… and of course she adores corgis and horses.

No, I’ve never held that the monarchy was a good thing, but I now realise it isn’t a very bad thing either. This realisation came when, in a revealing revel of revelation, I realised that without her Tony Blair might have became our head of state and a President just simply won’t do – just look at George Bush and Ronald Reagan… most of them really and not just the Americans – Putin and that Frenchie chap too. Mind you maybe Boris could do it and make us pay our taxes with jars of marmalade or some such nonsense. No, thinking about it, not even Boris could replace the Queen, after all, you can trust the Queen (if you overlook the Dianna thing and we’re all allowed one mistake – unless you are Edward VIII that is).

So, long may the monarchy grind on and may she live to be 100 like her mum and pass her mantle to Charles and he to Wills and he to whatever fruit of his loins comes first – a girl I hope, I’d like to see another Queen – Queen Kylie perhaps.

Hip-hip.