Thursday, 14 June 2012

a bit of a wine...

I seem to have lost my sense of whimsy and I haven’t got much of the laughs about me these days. They seem to have blown away with the warm west wind, leaving the chilly east to fill my heart and lungs with sighs and groans and grunts. It’s the grunts that get me most; the involuntary grunts that explode each time I stand, a small ‘uh’ every time I bend. My own fault of course, I could have tried harder along the way. But then you don’t see the car crash around the corner until you’re on it do you?

But enough of car crashes; it’s a laugh and a grunt that this post is about. It could have been about something else of course; two or three ideas for posts flitted through my mind last night and, knowing that I should write them down didn’t, and they were lost. Yes, they were such good ideas that I couldn’t forget them - and then I did. Such a shame, they were all such brilliant ideas, so much better than what I’m writing now.  If only I’d taken the notebook out of my pocket and jotted them down. Yes, they were brilliant, truly brilliant.

Mind you, I’d probably have forgotten this one too if it wasn’t for the contents of my kitchen sink this morning. I’d almost forgotten about my shirt. It was one of my light blue Oxfords, probably the best one, and you know how I feel about those shirts. Goodness knows what I’ll do when they’re gone. Anyway, there it was soaking in a bowl of water and Miracle-Clean (removes all stains – FAST!) in the sink - and then I remembered last night.

I was watching the news when it happened.

To a picture of bungalows, three feet deep in floodwater, Julie Etchasketch announcing that despite the floods some authorities had not lifted their hosepipe ban. Not lifted their hosepipe ban despite reservoirs being 8o% full and despite a weeks worth of continual rain, at levels unprecedented since Noah and the flood. I shake my head and take a sip of wine, which proves to be my downfall. As I watch a car floating away down the road, Mizz Etchasketch continues and tells me that the authorities have no plans to remove the ban as they fear a water shortage.

Now I don’t know why, and I don’t know where it came from, but mid-sip of red - when I was least expecting it, and after such a long time – out of my mouth with a grunt and a splurge came a little laugh and then I began to giggle. Out sprayed the wine all over my shirt and in wine terms it must have been a very big sip because my shirt was covered to the extent that it looked like a very bad attempt at batique or tie-dye. I didn’t laugh for long, but it was definitely a laugh and my poor shirt was the victim of my mirth.

So why am I telling you this? Well, firstly because I didn’t write down my other blog ideas which were so much better – brilliant actually, truly brilliant - and secondly because of the ridiculous lengths people in authority will go to, simply to prove themselves right, never fails to amaze me. These are the people who start wars over a small and useless piece of desert, who close companies because that great idea that would have kept the business afloat wasn’t theirs, who let flowers die by enforcing a hosepipe ban when there’s plenty of water. These are the people who made me stain my shirt with red wine - actually no that’s the people who made the wine probably.

For their sakes - I hope my shirt comes clean. Yes, they're in my line and I'm waiting for the revolution.


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    1. I hope so, shirts are so important in the ritual of life and without one of my favourites - HOW WOULD I FUNCTION? (scrubs collar and cuffs and checks for fading; and is that a threadbare buttonhole?) BREATHES DEEPLY - It. Is. Only. A. Shirt. - nothing to worry about... Meanwhile in the place where shirts are Kings... "He's stained his shirat! This is our opportunity. We have just one chance... let's tke him down now". Wakes up shivering - "All is lost, my Oxford blues are gone... I guess it is hoodies from this moment forward." Uses tongue to remove the filling and bites down on cyanide pill - " Oh well, they never did quite fit me exactl

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  3. Vicky Sutcliffe on Facebook:
    Every time I watch the news something makes me spill my wine!!!!

    1. Yes, it was middle class Greeks queuing for food handouts last night after losing everything, a sight I wouldn't have expected outside of Africa really. I wonder when it'll be our turn.