Going off the road...

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Gaynor is jealous of my sat-nav woman. She simply can’t stand her. It started as soon as Trudi opened her mouth.

Who’s Trudi? Trudi is my sat-nav woman - it’s what I’ve been calling her for a while now.

There we were, the three of us, happily driving along, Gaynor pulling faces at the sat-nav screen, me listening to Trudi’s strangely sensual electronic voice, when Trudi made a mistake. Not a very big mistake I hasten to add, she just told me to leave the roundabout at the second exit when I needed to leave at the third, probably a new exit that hadn’t been data-entered yet. It wasn’t Trudi’s fault, nobodies perfect, and she’s usually spot-on… but Gaynor pounced immediately.

“She’s useless! She got that wrong! I thought she was meant to know where she was going. Second exit! If we’d followed her instructions we’d have ended up in that field with all those piles of sand and loose chippings. She’s useless, stupid bloody… womany, thing”.

I thought at the time that her reaction was a bit out of order, and there was absolutely no need for a personal attack on Trudi. Perhaps it’s because I listen to Trudi and do what she tells me. Well, her recalculations have saved me hours of waiting in traffic queues, she has all the latest traffic information, and she is so patient. I didn’t say anything though; sometimes it’s better to just let these things go.

A few days later we were driving across to Haydock. I turned Trudi on (figuratively speaking), we were trying to find an equestrian supplies outlet and we’d never been there before. About twenty minutes into the journey I began to notice that each time Trudi spoke Gaynor repeated what she was saying with what I can only describe as ‘ her sarcy voice’ adding the odd word or two to help the sarcasm along.

T. “Follow the road for the next five hundred yards”.

G. “Follow the spiffing road for the next five hundred yards”.

T. “Turn left at the second turning”.

G. “Turn left at the second turning dahling ”.

T. “Proceed along the road for two miles”

G. “Proceed along the la-di-da road for two miles”

How odd, I thought, it must be Trudi’s accent that Gaynor doesn’t like. Well, she does sound sophisticated and you can tell that she’s had a good education, comes from a very good family probably. I'd guess her father’s in business or maybe even a doctor.

Trudi only had to make the slightest mistake - stating that we were off-road when we weren’t, or telling us to turn at the roundabout when the roundabout had been made into a flyover - and Gaynor would be off! Criticising, ridiculing, sneering… it got so bad that I stopped using Trudi (figuratively speaking) when Gaynor was in the car with me.

I now keep Trudi for myself. She never uses my name but no matter - I have brackets and my imagination for that - and of course, I use her name when I’m talking to her…

“Please turn left at the next junction (Andrew).”

“Okay Trudi. I will.”

“At the roundabout take the third exit and proceed along the road (I really like your shirt it makes you look so handsome).”

“Thanks Trudy, that’s very nice of you, I’ve had it for ages, I just haven’t had any reason too wear it until now”.

“(Pink really suits you. You manage to look sensitive, yet so masculine in it). Follow the road for three miles and await further instructions (What are you doing for lunch? Should I direct us to a nice little place that I know around here? We could get to know each other a little better).”

“Errrr…. Yes that would be very nice Trudi, very nice indeed. Thanks…”

Oh well, Gaynor should have tried to like her better, this is what happens when you spend so much time alone in a car with another woman, I don’t think I can be held to blame though, and it’s only lunch after all, I’m glad I wore this shirt, Trudi’s right… sensitive AND masculine… WHAT a combination…