What have the Scottish done for us?

With thanks and a passing nod (which is as good as a wink to a blind bat) to Monty Python.

A meeting is in progress to discuss Scottish independence at Number 10 Downing Street. A few MP’s from all political parties and a couple others are in attendance…

Boris: What exactly are the demands?

Dave: We're giving Jockey Salmond two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Scottish independence idea, and if he doesn't drop it immediately, Barroso will cut his balls off.

Boris: Cut his balls off?

Dave:  Well, at least his sporran, and send it back in tiny bits on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.

Nick: Also, we're demanding a ten foot tartan statue of Kenneth McKellar with his haggis hangin' out.

Hazel: What? They'll never agree to that, Dave.

Dave: That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop them out of the pound, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

All: NO BLACKMAIL!

Dave: Just what have the Scottish ever done for us? They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

Ed: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

Dave: Yes.

Ed: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

Dave: Yes. All right, Ed. Don't LABOUR the point – tee-hee, get it? And what have they ever given us in return?!

Nick: Chicken Tikka Masala?

Dave: What?

Nick: Chicken Tikka Masala.

Dave: Oh. Yes, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.

Boris: Ya, and the flushing toilet.

Hazel: Oh, yes, the flushing toilet, Dave. Remember what it used to be like at Eton?

Dave: Yes. All right. I'll grant you that Chicken Tikka Masala and the flushing toilet are two things that the Scottish have done.

Nick: And tarmac roads, the pneumatic tyre and driving on the left.

Dave: Well, yes. Obviously tarmac roads I mean, the tarmac roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the flushing toilet, Chicken Tikka Masala, tarmac roads, the pneumatic tyre and driving on the left…

Boris: Radar, the television, microwaves, refrigeration, the telephone. Ya?

Nick: Chloroform, penicillin, the hypodermic, anaesthesia.

Hazel: Fingerprinting and colour photography.

All: Huh? Heh? Huh...

Donkey: Golf.

All: Eeee awww.

Dave: Yeah, yes. All right. Fair enough.

Boris: Whisky…

All: Oh, yes. Yeah...

Boris: Ya. Ya, that's something we'd really jolly miss, Dave, if the Scottish left. Huh?

Hazel: The Bay City Rollers and Lulu.

Nick: Dolly the sheep and hypnotism.

George Carney: Hey guys, let’s not forget all that lovely GDP generating oil.

Hazel: And winning Wimbledon and an Olympic tennis gold for Team GB, Dave.

George Carney: Yeah, they sure did help a little with that. Let's face it you limeys. They're the only ones who could.

All: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

Dave: All right, but apart from the flushing toilet, Chicken Tikka Masala, tarmac, the pneumatic tyre, driving on the left, radar, the television, microwaves, refrigeration, the telephone, chloroform, penicillin, the hypodermic, anaesthesia, fingerprinting, colour photography, golf, whisky, The Bay City Rollers, Lulu, Dolly the sheep, hypnotism, a fortune in oil, a British win at Wimbledon, and a tennis gold for Team GB what have the Scottish ever done for us?

Nick: Unification and the forging of an Empire.

Dave: Oh. Unification and an Empire? Shut up!

Cue John Philip Sousa's The Liberty Bell