Telephone voices…

Why is it that whenever I make a call and get through to an answering machine my telephone answering machine voice kicks in. This voice is weird, it sounds a lot like me, but my words are more clearly pronounced and for a minute or so I become a BBC announcer from the 1940’s.

I’ve noticed my telephone voice before, or should I say voices; it seems to change dependent on what type of person is on the other end of the line. I almost mimic the other party in some ways: they call me mate and my matey voice switches on. They speak with an educated voice and I become professor know-it-all. God knows what I would happen to my voice if Lord Toff or a Gor Blimey bloke were to call me – “Gor Blimey, if it aynt Maory Poppuns, wawl I never!’

Perhaps I use telephone voices because I’m really a frustrated actor. That could be it, because if I get one of those so obvious selling-me-something calls I sometimes use the voice of my very old confused man self and simply repeat: ‘Hello… hello…hello’ until they go away. Or if they ask to speak to me by name I’ll often put on my sombre voice and inform them that I died that morning and would they like to speak to my widow? That gets them flustered and they always decline, apologise and then ring off.

Then there’s my ‘Sorry I af no ze good English. Plees repeatez I will write een book. Sorry I af no penis” voice. After two minutes of ‘Plees repeatez, plees repeatez. I af no penis.’ That seems to do the trick and they can’t wait to find a way to end the call.

Sometimes, if I get a particularly persistent caller, who won’t take no for an answer, I put on my other answering machine voice; the one that sounds like an answering machine message and ask them to speak after the tone. I love to hear them leave their message and then inform them that it did not record and to try again. Usually after two attempts they give up, although one girl selling life insurance tried six times before she swore repeatedly and stopped trying.

That’s the thing about the telephone; you can be whoever you want when strangers call. Maybe I’ll be myself one day. That would really confuse them.