Post Valentine’s Day ramblings…

So that’s it for another year, been and gone, with hardly a kiss or a tender whisper.

Well, Saint Valentine is for younger muffs to enjoy, me I’m just a lawnmower you can tell me by the way I walk.

Of course, I don’t subscribe to the notion that St. V. was gay, although I believe there is some limited evidence to support this; mainly a 12^th century graffiti on a Roman toilet wall where some wit has scratched ‘Saint V. is a gay bottom.’ Hardly, irrefutable proof though I think you might agree.

Of course this could be the last year that we celebrate the day without the new St. Valentine’s tax as proposed by David Cameron. Apparently love isn’t actually that good for you and costs the Health Service almost a billion pounds a year. Kissing can cause gum disease, cuddling can lead to internal bleeding, and of course the more intimate love stuff can lead to numerous nasty ailments including nasty rashes and blindness.

To combat this, a new Government bill proposes a number of tax reforms:

‘Kissing Tax’ will tax all kissing, although quick pecks on the cheek (single only) from bona-fide blood relatives will be exempt.

‘Pink Tax’ will tax the colour pink. Government opinion holds that Pink has become far too popular in recent years and the government is hoping that the taxation of pink will lead to blue becoming the new pink over time and with further legislation.

‘Red Tax’ will tax the colour red. Government opinion holds that Red has become far too bright in recent years and the government is hoping that the taxation of red will lead to black becoming the new red over time and with further legislation.

‘Heart shape Tax’. Heart shapes in any form are to be taxed at the higher rate and if red or pink a super-tax of up to but no more than sixty percent will be charged. Some breaks may be given to black hearts, but this is yet to be confirmed.

‘Lines of kisses Tax’. In a move to stop the overuse of kisses on cards and letters a ‘lines of kisses’ tax will be considered. A government working party is currently considering how to implement this in light of confusion around similar lines of the letter x, as in "Fxxx oxx Cameron."

‘Salt Tax’. This will apply to any salt cause by shedding tears of joy, particularly in situations where marriage and/or engagement are involved. It is rumoured that in some circumstances salt tax could be as high as ninety percent, although this mainly concerns other salty bodily fluids.

Other taxes under consideration: ship tax, light tax, food salt tax, water tax, death tax, spice tax, woollen-cap tax… makes you think.

Here’s to Saint Valentine and death to all politicians.