Mr. Shouty goes shopping...

Meet Mr Shouty, a character I have dreamt up who will appear occasionally on my blog. Some of you may think you know him, but any resemblance to any person living or dead is coincidental. Please let me know what you think of him.

Today Mr Shouty goes shopping…

Mr. Shouty and his wife have run out of teabags, so they’ve gone to the supermarket to buy some more.

I’LL get the trolley. SORRY? What do YOU mean I don’t need one? Are YOU STUPID WOMAN? I’M TELLING YOU THAT I DO.

Mr. Shouty takes a coin out of his pocket and tries to put it in the trolley.

Now why won’t it fit? What do YOU mean it’s a ten pence piece? I’M VERY SORRY but I know the difference between a POUND and a TEN PENCE. I’M NOT COMPLETELY STUPID YOU KNOW.

Mr. Shouty tries to ram the ten pence piece into the trolley slot.

They’re ALL the same these pound coins. Fixed so that they won’t fit into the trolleys. What do YOU mean that makes no sense. THEY’RE FIXED WOMAN. FIXED I TELL YOU!

Mr Shouty walks over to a trolley attendant who is collecting empty trolleys.

Can YOU explain to ME why none of these TROLLEYS will take my pound?

The attendant looks at the coin and explains that it’s a ten pence piece.

I’M SORRY YOU’RE WRONG! THAT’S A POUND, PURE AND SIMPLE.

The attendant asks to see the coin and once again calmly explains to Mr Shouty that it’s definitely a ten pence piece. The attendant gives Mr. Shouty the coin back.

WHAT! I’VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY LIFE. ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID? YOU NEED TO START LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD. I’M NOT AN IDIOT YOU KNOW. YOU’VE FIXED THOSE TROLLEYS SO THAT I HAVE TO USE A BASKET. THAT WAY YOU DON’T HAVE TO COLLECT THE TROLLEYS AND DO ANY WORK. I’M REPORTING YOU MY MAN. YOU ARE TAKING MONEY UNDER FALSE PRETENCES. WHO DO YOU THINK PAYS YOUR WAGES? I DO! I’M SORRY, CUSTOMERS PAY YOUR WAGES AND I’M SORRY, I’M A CUSTOMER AND I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOW ME THE RESPECT I DESERVE!

The attendant walks away shaking his head and Mr Shouty looks at the coin in his sweaty, shaking hand.

RIGHT THAT’S IT, THAT’S IT. I USED TO WORK FOR THE POLICE YOU KNOW. I’M SORRY, IT’S TIME THIS STORE WAS TOLD A FEW HOME TRUTHS. I’M NOT HAVING THIS!

Mr Shouty strides into the store, scattering old ladies and children before him.

BRING ME THE MANAGER! BRING ME THE MANAGER! I WANT TO REPORT A THEFT. I’VE BEEN ROBBED BY ONE OF YOUR EMPLOYEES. HE TOOK MY POUND AND GAVE ME BACK A TEN PENCE PIECE. HE’S FIXED THE TROLLEYS SO THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO COLLECT THEM AND THEN HE CALLED ME STUPID AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES. IT’S ALL HIS FAULT. IT’S ALL HIS FAULT I TELL YOU. I’M SORRY, I DEMAND THAT YOU SACK HIM OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE.

The attendant has a word with the store security guard. He approaches Mr Shouty and politely asks him to stop shouting.

SHOUTING? SHOUTING? I’M SORRY, I’M NOT SHOUTING. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY LIFE. I’M SORRY, YOU CALL ME STUPID, ACCUSE ME OF LYING, STEAL MY MONEY AND THEN YOU SAY I’M SHOUTING. I’M SORRY, I’LL NEVER SHOP HERE AGAIN. COME ON WOMAN WE’RE LEAVING.

Mr Shouty storms out of the store his wife following behind him like a beaten dog. All she had wanted was a cup of tea.