Pushing up daisies...

Okay, let’s talk lawns. 

I have never seen the point of lawns. At home and at the cottage I don’t have any grass and I’m not at all sad about it. Just why would anyone want to make themselves a slave to an area of greenish, not very useful, uninteresting, vegetation? Lawns are far more trouble than they are worth in terms of maintenance and care time. They are either so sodden that walking on them turns them to mud, or so parched that they are cracked, scorched, deserts with all the attraction of concrete. Lawns are also full of ants and worms. So, not a good place to lie down for a nap, particularly as grass stain is hard to get out of your clothes.

Of course for a couple of weeks of the year they are great for the kids to play on, but in payback terms that’s a pretty piss-poor return. Mind you, if you have a dog…

Back in the feudal day, when we were all serfs with our own little plot of land, lawns were great for grazing a couple of sheep on. These days though it’s just another thing to stress over, and what with all the daisies, dandelions, moss, and fungal disease some people become so stressed by their lawn that they employ a lawn company to maintain it. A lawn company! I bloody ask you. Sheep would be far cheaper.

And then there’s the edges.

My mother-in-law, whose garden I have become involved with as curator, has three lawns; all far too small to be useful, all poorly drained, and all a bloody nuisance. Not that I cut them. A neighbour has been, very kindly, cutting them for years. But he doesn’t use the shears for the edges and if she mentions the fact that the edges need doing one more time I’ll scream… and no, I really don’t want to dig out the dandelions with that special tool you bought.

Oh I know that she’s an old lady, but for your information, this is the main month of the year for planting, I don’t have time to worry about a bit of grass. It simply isn’t a priority, what with all the potting, planting up, and preparing beds. Yes, I’m far too busy to be concerned about a bit of straggly grass. Besides, if I had my way I’d dig them up and put them to use with flowers, vegetables, gravel, decking, even a bloody meadow - anything other than useless, unattractive, and unproductive lawn.

Maybe I’ll spray the bloody lot with weedkiller one evening and start over from scratch.