Kicking up a stink...

"Splash it all over" our 'Enery said in the ads. 'Enery Cooper that is and later that footballer chappie Kevin Keegan. Ah the great smell of Brut, bang on the 'e' at the end and that was probably a bit more like it. It was a brutal smell, almost retchworthy, but dead macho (thanks to 'Enery and perhaps Keegan who had permed hair - mmm?). Us skins and suedes splashed it on like you would not believe and those tiny green bottles with their chains and silver lids (all a bit bondage if you ask me) only lasted for a couple of Friday night discos at the youth club. The reek of Brut hung in the darkened flashing light air like a miasma whilst we stomped and shadow stepped to the latest reggae top hit. Even the girls wore it. No sweet-smelling 4711 for them, no, they all smelled like a boxers jockstrap after going eight rounds, the great smell of butch. So enticing, so feminine.

Of course, I’m a teen of the 70s, a time when aftershave choices were, shall we say, just a bit limited. At Christmas and birthdays I was the regular recipient of: a) Brut b) Blue Stratos C) Old Spice. The real runner’s up prize was ‘Denim’ if the chemist had run out of any of the others, or - horror of horrors - D) a cheap imitation from the Avon lady and this was despite the fact that I really didn't need to shave that often. Tabac was strictly out of bounds with that sartorially elegant, and magnificently coiffured, Peter Wyngarde – star of the ‘Jason King’ series - in the ads. Splash Tabac all over and you might find yourself in a pink frilly shirt instead of a nicely starched and pressed Ben Sherman. 

But back to those Avon aftershaves that we all dreaded receiving - even grey socks would have been better. Who could resist a smelly liquid of no fixed abode in the shape of a vintage car, a gun, an old boot, a hammer, a ship's lantern, or even a barrel of beer? Now that is more like it 'The great smell of beer! Slash it all over!' And the names of those pungent facial splashers - Black Leather, Cordovan, Rugger, Wild country, they really did make you want to slip into a pair of chaps and crack a whip or two - Wagon's Roooollll, hee-haw!.

These days there are more aftershaves than you can shake a smelly stick at, every celeb seems to have one, Beckham, Renaldo, Callum Best (whoever he is), there's even one from Donald Trump called Success - the great smell of bullshit! I'm not a fan of splashing it all over, a bit of coal tar soap, maybe a spray of Asda deodorant, and that will do me. I'm quite smelly enough without needing to be made even more stinky. I think I'll put that in my pipe and smoke it.