Apologies to anyone who doesn't have any but isn't hair great! The thing about hair is that you can change it and look like a different person in an instant with just a simple 'do'. Of course, when I say simple I'm not sure that even exists these days, my two-bob hair cut at the barbers (Charles and Roy on North Street) disappeared into the barber horizon such a long time ago now, taking radiograms and cameras that require films and spools along with them (something for the weekend sir?).
Even so, my hair still doesn't cost me much (one of the many benefits to having an ex-hairdresser wife, although she does occasionally threaten me with her cutthroat razor and sometimes it's scary because it's not in a 'chase me, chase me', saucy sort of way). The cost of maintaining one's hair, in general, is ridiculous, particularly for the ladies. 'Do's' that cost a couple of hundred quid are pretty normal it seems and the products lavished on the hair afterwards can cost a bloody fortune. There's a shampoo for this, a shampoo for that, conditioners with herbs and fruits and essential oils and then aftercare products and all those styling tools and that extension type stuff. What's wrong with hot water and Vosene I ask you? Nothing can beat a quick hair wash in the shower or a wash and set, but then the last time I actually paid for a haircut was in 1983 (and yes, I was going on holiday and yes, I did have plans for the weekend, and yes, now shut up and let me concentrate on looking at your cleavage - well it was the eighties and the last Carry On movie wasn't made until 1998 - arf arf! ).
Anyway, I repeat, isn't hair great! At 63 I'm lucky enough to have a full head of the stuff. It's grey and it's receding just a little, but it's luxurious and thick and I love to run my fingers through it whilst pouting into the mirror and blowing myself a kiss. Currently, I have a long left-side flick fringe which makes me look so cool and interesting (well, if you have it then flaunt it) but I gave up using my Just for Men years ago when I embraced the beauty of greyness. It would be true to say that I'm an old silvery fox smoothy in the bathroom even if I don't get hunted by anybody these days. Yes, my hair is just for me and I can do as I please with it, which is pretty much just brush it each morning.
Now I know that everyone isn't so fortuitous and lots of people, men particularly, lose their hair and sometimes early on. But without my hair, my head would look like a badly grown, slightly rotting, spotty turnip that even a muddy, desperate pig wouldn't be too keen to munch on. My hair doesn't so much frame my face as detract from it (which is good) because if I was ever on the run (from money lenders, drug dealers, ex-wives, the law) I'd need it. I could dye it in my cheap hotel room in the sink in the tiny bathroom and then nobody would recognise me (I see that in movies all the time, so I know that it works - particularly if you put on a pair of shades as well).
Now I know that everyone isn't so fortuitous and lots of people, men particularly, lose their hair and sometimes early on. But without my hair, my head would look like a badly grown, slightly rotting, spotty turnip that even a muddy, desperate pig wouldn't be too keen to munch on. My hair doesn't so much frame my face as detract from it (which is good) because if I was ever on the run (from money lenders, drug dealers, ex-wives, the law) I'd need it. I could dye it in my cheap hotel room in the sink in the tiny bathroom and then nobody would recognise me (I see that in movies all the time, so I know that it works - particularly if you put on a pair of shades as well).
Talking of changes of appearance, I sometimes wonder if Bowie would have been quite the superstar that he was without his hair. Now that was one head that saw so many coiffures and of such seemingly infinite variety - from spikes, to bouffant, to grungey bangs, to curly perm, and in every colour imaginable. Not only was there a starman waiting in the sky but there was also a stylist man permanently waiting in his dressing room. Bowie had the best hair, now Elton John... well, he did have hair eventually (just not his own).
Of course, having lots and lots of hair has its downside. Firstly I'd be unhappy in the army or in prison. I also leave it too long (too long, get it?) between begging Gaynor to cut it for me and I begin to look like a very old Charlie Manson or even worse like Catweazle on a very bad hair day. I'm also suspiciously sure that my rampant head of hair is one of the reasons I don't have a hirsute chest or hairy legs - yes, all that hair has gone to my head. Then there's all that tweaking and teasing which takes up so much of my time and the fact that some people mistake my trendy flick fringe for a bloody combover. Combover my arse (it's never been quite long enough for that ).
Yes, hair is great, at least it is for me, but then I don't want women to find me sexy like they do bald (or follically challenged as they call it these days) men.
And then there are beards... but let's save that for another time.
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