Half dreams...

There was a moment or two this just-before-dawn morning that I though that there might not be a blog post today. If you blog you may recognise that moment – the one when you feel that you have absolutely nothing to say that you haven’t already said.

For me that moment usually takes place as I wake between five and six o’clock – yes I know, it is kinda sad that my first though should be of blogging – but I only think about it in order to flush away the half-dreams that litter my mind for that hour or so before waking.

Half-dreams, I dread them more than absolute nightmares; at least most nightmares are far away from reality (I’m talking now about the ones with monsters, not the ones when you wake up and find yourself still married to your ex-wife… actually, now I come to think about it…

Anyway, back to half-dreams. My half-dreams are usually composed of my to-do list, the things that I know I need to do but keep putting off like tax returns and paying insurances that I’m not even sure I need. My half-dreams are about what I have to do that day, a long or short list, but in my mind a struggle, a Herculean task that is simply too big and hard to complete. My half-dreams are about feeding the cat, making sandwiches, bringing up more boxes from the cellar, painting glass, writing words.

I toss and turn in that awful place between waking and sleeping, lifting my head to see how many minutes past, how many minutes left – I don’t want to get up, I’m still tired, sleep would be nice – but those half-dreams become more and more urgent, more pressing, more real, until I have to give in and – with a feeling of absolute dread – I get out of bed.

Of course within moments usually the half-dreams have gone, or rather been put in perspective; put away for another morning. Things aren’t as bad as they seemed in that half-waking world - with effort all those things that so bothered me (as I tossed and turned in not-quite-sleep) seem doable; some of them already done, the work of moments. But I’m not fooled – I know that they haven’t gone; it’s just their turn and they’ve fallen asleep, they’ll be back when I begin to wake; making me twist until I have to get up again.

Yes, half-dreams; the ordinary made dreadful with close introspection and the analysis of a fearful subconscious mind – give me a good full-blown nightmare any day… as long as it’s not about ex-wives.