11 sleeps to go - Christmas Cliff...

What’s your favourite?

Yes, the good old Christmas song. I’m not talking carols here, I really am talking songs – although you have to wonder if that term applies to most of them don’t you.

There are only a handful of Christmas songs that I love to hear every year – The Pogues, Slade, Bing, Chris Rea, Wizard – and then I can only bear them once or twice. The rest are like fingernails on a chalk board. Believe this or not but Erasure have released a whole Christmas album this year including a revved-up camp cover of Gaudete. I don’t know what that says about Christmas or Erasure these days but whatever you do... DON'T LISTEN TO IT, it's evil.

But then back to Saint Sir Christmas Cliff.

Bosses of Costa Coffee have banned Sir Cliff Richard’s 1988 Christmas song ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ from their shops after it topped a survey of the most despised festive tracks. Well done to them I say, sanity at last. Sir Cliff and his sugar-coated, quasi-religious, tinsel and fake snow view of Christmas really gets on my tangerine pip. I wish he’d take off his bloody scarf and either stuff it in his mouth and shut up, or get on and hang himself with it. Our Father Who Art in Heaven to the tune of Auld Langs Syne… I bloody ask you.

Mind you, I do have a few things in common with Cliff. I have a red scarf, I also dyed my hair mid-brown for a while, and we both make our own wine. I make mine in an eight gallon drum in the cellar and Cliff... well, Cliff has his own vineyard in the Algarve.

By the way Shakin, Stevens’ 1982 hit Blue Christmas came runner up to Sir Cliff. Outrageous really. Cliff should at least have headed at least the top five of the Top 10 on the Christmas coffee shop banned list.

Unfortunately, it seems like it’s almost God’s law now that Cliff Richard has to release another Christmas song every year. Away In A sodding Manger, 21st Century Christmas, Christmas Is Quiet, Saviours’ bloody Day, Christmas Song, Ding Dong Merrily On High, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and of course the abomination that is Mistletoe and Wine…

Children singing Christian rhyme. With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree, a time to rejoice in the good that we see…

And the worst thing is we all know the bloody words and will never be able to forget them! Not even Alzheimer’s will do that.  We’ll all be singing along as we dribble and eat our soup, wearing the Christmas cracker hats that the care staff have jauntily arranged on our heads for the photo.

Goddamn you Cliff Richard. Not only have you spoilt Christmas past and Christmas present with you horrible festive ditties, but you’ve gone and spoiled my Christmas yet to come as well!