More of the same...

Sorry, but it takes you over.

Another day like yesterday and the day before and the one before that and so on and so forth. Everything is on hold, not that everything was very much in the first place, but this inability to move forwards through no fault of my own isn’t really me. After all, not moving forwards is usually my fault and that’s just fine and dandy, but this limbo is quite frankly horrible.

Of course it isn’t Joan’s fault either. All she was doing was a good deed by holding open that door for the woman that has destroyed her life and now even my stone heart breaks when I see her and what she is becoming. Of course there is always hope, but generally that turns out to be bollocks along with positive thoughts and God working in mysterious ways.

I’ve never been one for not knowing what to do and have lived my life by ‘do anything rather than nothing’, but there are times when there really is nothing to be done. I guess this is one of them.

I’ve become a ‘we’ll have to wait and see’ person for the first time in my life I think. My natural inclination is to rage and ‘do’ and rush around trying to make things better, but sadly (and desperately) there seems no better to be had.

‘Wait and see’ is such an unsatisfactory phrase. It promises something, but can just as easily yield nothing, more easily in fact as it’s usually a phrase for weasel worders and nothing doers. I should know; my childhood was full of empty wait and sees. Is that what I’m becoming then, just another wait and seer?

Perhaps I should not write this down. Perhaps by writing it down I just make things worse and whoever is in charge will decide to punish me for pointing out His mistakes and lack of fair play. But I tell you he’s not playing fair if this is what you get for being nice to others and seeing the result is simply wiltingly blank; like Joan’s expression when her eyes flick open for a moment.

You don’t work in mysterious ways you bastard. Thank God I don’t believe in you.