Advent calender 22 - Aunt Fanny on a rock bun...

I am reliably informed by my wife that when it comes to wrapping presents I am about as much use as her aunt Fanny on a rock bun. Now, I have never met my wife’s aunt Fanny and I have no idea what possessed her to sit on a rock bun (I’m not ever sure what a rock bun is or if aunt Fanny exists) but when it comes to wrapping presents I have to admit I am less than thrilled by it.

There was a time, many, many moons ago, when wrapping presents seemed like an enjoyable and worthy way of spending a few hours. The paper would fold, the ribbons would match, and even the sellotape behaved itself. These days though, I have become all fingers and thumbs, my time is more limited due to a need to sleep, and they don’t make sellotape like they used to (other brands of sticky tape are available).

On the subject of sticky tape, why is it that it always curls back on itself and sticks to my fingers instead of the paper, just where does the end disappear to every time I put it down for a moment, and why does it fold back on itself, sticking tape to tape, rendering it useless?

Square boxes I can just about manage at a pinch, but give me anything that has curves or even a few uneven sides and I may as well be trying to wrap an elephant. Sometimes I feel that I am wrapping an elephant. I overstretch the paper making it tear so that I have to patch it back together with sticky tape and I always cut the paper to the wrong size. If I cut it too big I have to cut off the ends which always seems to make them ragged and if I cut it too small I find myself joining on another piece which is rarely satisfactory.

Labels are another problem. I start by writing nice loving messages with a festive flavour ‘Happy Christmas darling, from your own special Santa’ and then (after the first ten or so and a few more glasses of wine) end up dashing off meaningless nonsense – Blinky, winky, winky, woo – love snogger xxx.

Then there’s those stick on bows that really aren’t stick on.

No matter how I try I can’t get the backing paper off without removing the sticky as well. I usually end up sticking them on with doubled over sellotape which means that they invariably fall off as they sit patientlyy under the tree waiting to be unwrapped.

Maybe this is why for the last few years I have delegated most of my present wrapping to my daughter (God bless her).

Well, if it’s good enough for Santa…