I’m always surprised when I wake up in a good mood but increasingly I’ve noticed that I do. I don’t know why this is, but I like it.
There was a time, and it lasted for quite a while, when I woke up in what can only be described as deep despair. There were days when I didn’t smile at all, days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, days when the thoughts that passed through my head were less than sunny. Of course this mood crept up on me slowly, like a night beast stalking its prey, a black dog maybe. Too much uncertainty, change, disillusionment, followed by a long period of not knowing who I was any more - and suddenly I was down deep and unable to get out again. I functioned but that was about it. Of course I realised at the time I was depressed, but I’m not one for doctors and prefer to deal with things myself.
Then slowly but surely I felt a little better each day. Again I don’t know why and it wasn’t a quick thing, but gradually it happened and I began to get a little perspective back. Waking up and wanting to get out of bed was such a good feeling, noticing that it was a sunny day a bit of a revelation and a relief.
I wouldn’t say that even now I’m the cheeriest person in the world all of the time and I still have days when I’m fed up. But then don’t we all? I do know that I don’t want to go back to where I was ever again and I try really hard not to let anything or anyone take me there. Self-protection is the name of the game these days and I manage it by chucking away the rubbish that some people try to deal me and focussing on the good things around and about me. It isn’t hard, but in many ways it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
So why am I telling you this? Well, if you are in that baddest of bad places I just wanted to say that there really is hope even though you won’t believe me. If you know someone who’s down I’d say to give them whatever help you can and try not to do anything to make things worse. The people that really didn’t help me were the ones that insisted on being destructive and selfish when they knew that I was in a fragile place. They won’t get the chance again.
I’m hoping that I never have that badness eat into me ever again and I’m constantly on the lookout for it. Of course, like my funny face stones in the picture I go through all sorts of emotions daily but generally there are more smiles than frowns, sadness, or looks of fear and I’m going to keep it that way regardless of what it takes.
Yes, I’m in a good place now.