Here's to you number two...

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I don’t know why poor Rick hates cats so much. He’s constantly making nasty comments about Misty, it’s just so unnecessary. All I can think is that he’s got some deep-rooted problem, some aversion that’s probably based around a bad childhood experience. Such a pity - he’s a nice enough chap otherwise. Can you believe what he wrote last time? ‘Cat in the bath and plug in the hole. Surely you turned the taps on next.’ How wicked! Of course he didn’t use his own name, he called himself Liz – maybe that’s another one of his issues, or maybe he’s just too embarrassed to come out in the open…

‘I’m sure that there’s something funny going on. Things just don’t seem right. I know that I’m the only one home but I keep hearing funny noises – bumps, scrapes, squeaks. There! There it is again…

“Who’s there, is there somebody here?”

What’s that? Oh-my-fishbones, just look at that big purple claw thing! And what’s that horrible crouchy thing attached to it? It looks like some sort of goblin, all gnarled and stumbling. Wait a minute I know that face, I’ve seen it before… Hisfault has a picture of him on his darty-board, bottom-right, just above the number two. It makes him laugh when he hits it with the dart. He always shouts ‘Here’s to you, number two’ when he gets it dead centre, between the eyes. I think it’s someone Hisfault knows, someone who doesn’t like felines, someone who has a grudge against us poor cats.

That must be it! He’s come to get me, he’s come to take revenge on poor Misty for all the times he’s been stucked with that darty thing by Hisfault. Well, he won’t get me; not even with that silly purple leopard-skin glove thing on his hand! Come on then, come on and have a go if you think you’re hard enough. I’ll rip you to tiny shreds. Come on number two. As Rocky B once said: ‘you're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!’ Come on, do your worstest. Missed! Missed me by miles! My turn… in with the left, follow up with the right, unlike you I don’t need no gloves and you is so ugly that you should donate your face to the US Bureau of Wild Life… I am the Greatest! Another left, a right, a jab to the thumb, a pounce at the fingers. Did that scratch? In for the wrist, a swipe of the thumb - Gotcha! Yes that hurt didn’t it? Not so ‘Shore’ of yourself now are you? Yes I know your name, not that you’re man enough to use it publicly. Hisfault says you use your wifey’s name, why’s that I wonder, scared of what might happen to you, feel safer hiding behind her skirts, bit of a scaredy-cat are you? Well, I’m no scaredy-cat.

Come on number two, aka Liz, take your medicine like a man. Come on, come and get it, nobody puts Misty in a corner… I’m gonna rip your little purple balls off...’

Now where did that come from? I’m sure I’ve never seen that before. Perhaps it belongs to Holly, some Halloween prop for that party she’s been invited to; or maybe it’s Gaynor’s, a new type of oven glove or something? Either way Misty seems to have taken a real dislike to it, she’s really ‘killed’ it. It’s all frayed. Look, she’s torn off most of the pom-poms... I wonder why she dislikes it so much. Oh well, they’ll both be home soon, I think I’ve just got time for a quick game of darts. Coming to watch Misty? Do you fancy a quick game of ‘Here’s to you, number two’…