Wipeout!

It's all about that cute puppy, isn't it (or should I say cute poopy)? You know the little scamp that nicks the bog roll and runs off with it down the stairs whilst you are evacuating your bowels as they say (a horrible phrase that, I wonder who came up with that one, maybe the same chap who came up with 'bring out your dead'?). Anyway as I was sat thinking in classic thinker pose (trousers around my ankles, chin on fist) I began wondering about the history of that quilted paper roll so conveniently positioned by the side of my porcelain throne. Just what did people use before toilet paper (bog roll to the uncouth like moi) was invented?

Apparently, before the advent of modern toilet paper, lots of different materials were used for the same purpose (arse wiping per se). These different materials were used depending upon country, weather conditions, social customs and status.

People used leaves, grass, ferns, corn cobs (corn cobs! Ouchy scratchy), maize, fruit skins, seashells (she sells seashells by the seashore shit), stone (stone!!!), sand, moss, snow and water. Of course, the simplest way was to use one's hand (as the queen does, hence the white gloves). Whilst most other wealthy people usually used wool, lace, silk, fine hemp, or somebody else's hand (bloody toffs).

Before then the Romans were the cleanest (just what did they ever do for us?). The wealthy used wool and rosewater and others used a sponge attached to a wooden stick and soaked in a bucket of saltwater or vinegar (it was a communal thing though, which - well, you decide). The Greeks would use clay (which might explain all the shitty Greek statues). In Coastal Regions, mussel shells were used (why not just wash your butthole in the sea?) and sometimes coconut husk (if you were lucky enough to be born on a tropical island). Europeans used their hand (I believe they still do in Yorkshire as toilet paper is a reet rip-off, ba gum) but they also used fountains with the luxury of warm water (except in Yorkshire where heating water were not worth t'expense). 

People from Islamic cultures used their left hand with little water (they are still doing that today) which is why it's offensive to greet someone with your left hand. Eskimos would use moss or snow (kinda makes sense, after all, what else is there?), Vikings used wool, Colonial Americans used the core centre cobs from shelled ears of corn (they were puritans though and use to penance), Mayans used corn cobs (be careful where it slips up), the French invented the first bidet (of course without modern plumbing, so a bucket basically - very inventive for the French), and it was the Chinese who invented the first toilet paper (as we know it Captain) in the 14th Century - damned clever those Chinese. Of course, later people used pages from books (I'd use the Bible), newspapers, magazines (I'd use Razzle after a month or two), catalogues, telephone directories (nooooooo!) Tory party manifestos, and if you are Boris Johnson, twenty-pound notes.

Although we take toilet paper for granted, toilet paper has a relatively short history in the modern world. In the second century BC, the Chinese invented wrapping and padding material known as paper. But it wasn't until1391 that toilet paper was created for the wiping needs of the Chinese Emperor's family. Each sheet of exquisitely decorated bog roll was even perfumed with the scent of roses (and a motto, like in a fortune cookie - 'Man who goes to bed with itchy bum, wakes up with smelly finger'). This was toilet paper as we have come to think of it (but without the roses and the cookie connection). It wasn't until the late fifteenth century that paper became widely available in Europe, and it wasn't until the late 19th century that the mass manufacturing of modern toilet paper skidded into existence.

Joseph C. Gayetty created the first commercially packaged toilet paper in 1857. His toilet papers were loose, flat, sheets of paper. He founded The Gayetty Firm for toilet paper production in New Jersey and his first factory-made toilet paper was "The Therapeutic Paper” and medicated with aloe and added splinters (ouch!). Unsurprisingly it didn't last long as a venture (it was a bummer of a business). Then in 1935 Northern Tissue invented splinter-free toilet paper (you could say that they saved the arses of many). A 'bum' joke in December 1973 led to America experiencing its first toilet paper shortage after one of Johnny Carson’s shitty jokes backfired (Trumppp!) and consumers were scared into a frenzy of stockpiling supplies (only in America, the same land where the Martians landed after a radio play by Orson Welles).

So there, we've got to the bottom of it.  We now know everything about arse-wipe that there is to know except - no matter how carefully you wipe and how many times you double the three-ply - why your finger always goes through it? One last thought to make your (arse) soul shiver in dread - IZAL!

Wipeout!