I've never had a tattoo...

I guess that you can tell by the title of this post that I don't have any tattoos, I've often thought about it but all of that is behind me now (and no, not a single tattoo on my bottom either, just a few pimples). If I'm honest I find it hard to know where I stand on tattoos at all particularly on a woman (sexist pig I am, so hang me), but Amy Winehouse and her collection made me feel both fascinated and uncomfortable at the same time. I did like the retro style though and if I were to have a tattoo I'd definitely go for a Sailor Jerry classic design, perhaps a blue-birded heart or a mermaid with her breasts on display (sexist and sentimental!). 

The closest I've come to doing the derring-do deed was standing outside a tattoo parlour down a rather dingy alley on a damp Wednesday afternoon and staring in through the dirty window. I thought about getting a tattoo of a wasp, the window was full of them (dead wasps that is, not tattoos). I was off on a holiday to  Antigua and I thought a tattoo would make me look even cooler (if that's possible) whilst I strutted around the beach in my black speedos (steady now, control yourself please). Anyway, I didn't go in and when I got to Antigua I must have been one of the few people who didn't have a brand new tattoo which all looked very sore and angry in the hot sun. It was a lucky escape I think and it made me feel a little superior to not have a Chinese symbol (I wonder how many of those guys realised the symbol they'd picked translated as twat or dick?) or a black Celtic swirl bracelet on my arm or leg.

Face and hand tattoos are a definite no-no, tramp stamps on the lower back of a woman are very enticing until that butterfly metamorphoses into a smeary smudge with the passing of wrinkly time, tiny tattoos seem pointless and full sleeves an overly over the top statement about... well, just what is it all about? As you can tell I have tattoo confusion. I can see the art but not the reasoning.

The first tattoo I ever saw was on the arm of my uncle Bob, I must have been four or so. I think he got a mate to do it when he was in the army, it was a simple blue-lined skull he called Charlie. To amuse me Bob used to make Charlie smile by squeezing the skin on his arms. Charlie wasn't big and he wasn't small so as tattoos go it was just about right I guess (give us a smile Charlie). 

So, I've never had a tattoo and it's unlikely that I ever will unless I'm incarcerated in a prison in Russia where tattoos are badges of honour, shame and identity (please remind me not to break any laws if I'm ever passing through Moscow). The closest I've come to a tattoo are those watery slip-off transfers I used to buy as a kid (I particularly liked the pirate and cowboy ones), temporary tats that vanished pretty much overnight and that's the way I like it I think.

So I can't show you mine, but feel free to show me yours. What have you got, where, and more importantly why?