Wednesday, 1 March 2017


So here we all are with yet another forty days and forty nights of Lent to get through. Let’s break out the hair shirts and scold ourselves for the next six weeks or so. After all, it’s good for the soul, although how self-denial and guilt can be so positive leaves me wondering who in their right minds would believe this nonsense. Does six weeks without chocolate make you live longer? Does six weeks without coffee make you feel better about yourself? How about six weeks without wine, beer and sprits? Are you really for real?

Mind you it’s an interesting conversation opener: ‘What did you give up for lent?” My answer: ‘You. Now fuck off and leave me alone you self-righteous whimpering tosser of a tosser.’ Yes, that’s a double tosser, but then it is Lent – the season of the tosser.

Talking of toss and tossers; so Jesus was tempted. Just what with exactly? Did he forgo water for forty days and forty nights? No, not water. Apparently the devil tempted Jesus with hedonism, egoism and materialism. All pretty pointless in a desert, although water might have been a different matter, or beer or wine. ‘Fancy a beer Jesus?’ ‘Go on then devil, just a quick one. I’m a bit thirsty what with all this sun and all.’

Anyway, so far over the last few months I’ve given up Europe, given up any possibility of a reduction in nuclear arms, have started to give up the NHS and any chance of the state caring about me in my old age. Jesus, surely that’s a-bloody-nough? How many God-fearing Americans would give up their guns for Lent? How many would give up using their car?
It’s going to last a lot longer than forty days and forty nights so a few squares of chocolate, a bacon sandwich and a couple of malts of an evening isn’t really going to sully my soul too much is it?

I thought about giving up procrastination for Lent, but I’ve decided to put that off for the time being. I thought about swearing, but fuck that. I gave up smoking years ago and I don’t eat McDonalds, so they’re both out. I gave some serious thought to road rage, but then I remembered the old ladies and cyclists. I don’t take sugar or eat chocolate and if you think I’m giving up wine…

 Yes, this Lent thing really isn’t at all easy unless you are Jesus and have the devil whispering in your ear. That must have been a great motivator for the Son of God. After all, if the devil turned up to tempt me then I think I’d decline his kind offer as I’m not at all sure that he can be completely trusted.

I’ll tell you what I’ll give up for Lent; I’ll give up Lent, that’s what I’ll give up. Lent and all the sanctimonious bullshit that goes with it.

Lent. It really isn’t going to change anything. 

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