Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Why I'm not a comedian...

You know sometimes I wonder, I really do.

I’m quietly making a list of things that I might like to become, just for fun, simply to pass time and my other half (not the other half that resides in the black room at the bottom of my soul, but the other half as in what we have started to call ‘my partner’ these days so as to avoid any annoying stereotyping) says in an incredulous voice as she peers across my shoulder and brushes my hand away so that she can more clearly see what I am writing.

‘Comedian? On your ‘Things I Would Like to Be’ list is comedian? You want to be a comedian? (well, it is on the list dear) A comedian who tells jokes, a joker? (Well, yes that’s the general idea if you're a comedian). But you aren’t funny.’

Not funny? But, isn't it all about being able to make a woman laugh, the way to her heart, or would that be a carving knife? Either way it seems to explain the wilting look I'm getting. So I'm not funny (my informed audience has spoken), but I am a fool like all jokers, and that’s a start. With great restraint and despite wanting to tell her that if I'm not funny neither is Michael McIntyre (he manages to make her smile just a little - smug git) and that even I can shout whilst pacing quickly up and down the stage whilst skipping, and being very tempted to prove my funniness by the slight breaking of wind (which always brings a smile to my face) I don’t; instead I just give her a funny gurning faced look at her as she continues (goes on).

‘Comedian. You? Don’t make me laugh.’

I only wish I could, and by the way that comment rather negates the point of being a comedian, a comedian is meant to make people laugh, so a request to not make someone laugh isn’t really much of a request to a comedian, it’s a bit like asking a concert pianist to play ‘chopsticks’. Not that I do requests anyway (at least in my head) and not forgetting that according to my wife, I’m not funny even though it’s on my ‘rather foolish list’ as she went on to call it.

Foolish? Probably. Rather. Raaather! As Terry Thomas, with an excess of nudge-nudge, wink-wink, would say.

I didn’t want her to read my list anyway, in fact I don’t want anyone to read my list. Comedian is probably one of the jobs that I've listed that I could do at least a bit - if only I had some jokes, a few funny mannerisms, a catch-phrase, a natty blue suit with a cerise shirt, a few cutting remarks and that other thing, now what is it? Oh yes……………………Timing.

Thinking about it I do have a couple of those things – the funny mannerisms, the cutting remarks, a face just made for gurning (in fact I gurn without moving a facial muscle). No sharp suit or cerise open-necked shirt, but then I might as well wear a jester’s hat given that so many people think that they can treat me like a fool. Anyway, I’m not sure cerise is my colour and what would my catch-phrase be? ‘If you’re expecting a comedian, you’ll be disappointed then’ or ‘I’m not funny, my other half says so’ or ‘I’m warning you, laugh or I’ll break wind’.

If she’d (sorry my partner of no indicated gender) had seen the other things on my list she’d probably buy me a joke book and book me into a comedy club. After all, I don’t think I’m ever going to be a pop star, a pilot, a priest, a politician, pirate, puppeteer, puppet - and that’s just taking the P’s.

Maybe that’s’ another one for the list - P-taker. I could probably do that. It’d be nice to be the ‘taker’ rather than the ‘taken’ for once. Oh well back to the Punch and Judy stand. Which will it be this time puppet or puppeteer I wonder?


  1. there are two types of people in the world. those that like mcintyre and those with a sense of humour.
    if you become a pirate can i join your crew? i can't sail, but i do a great line in inuendo. mostly in the style of frankie howard.

  2. I think you are very funny. You are a great story teller and you can hold your audience. You also look nice in a pale pink shirt. Hope that's enough positive strokes for now.

  3. No woman will ever admit that their 'partner' is hilarious - apart from in the bedroom maybe.

  4. Thanks for the encouragement: What's brown and sticky?

  5. My dog has no nose...

  6. Maybe you're better off being a happy person. If you read anything about the lives of some of the great comedians of the last half century, a heck of a lot of them seemed to be pretty miserable a lot of the time. Hancock, Howerd, Sellars, Milligan and his breakdowns, Fry and his bipolar disorders. You're possibly better off psychologically (but sadly not financially) than any of them ever were and, at least in your personal life, better liked too. Mind you, on the other hand, all their miseries transformed themselves into a lot of happiness for a lot of people... So it goes, so it goes.

  7. Andy Lloyd e-mailed on 27 October 2010 08:24:

    On the subject of comedy, what was it you said on Monday? It was a very quick witted response in the form of a pun- just the sort of speed of response you would need to deal with hecklers. It made us all laugh. I've been racking my brain to try to remember it. Why is it that I can never remember jokes? The ability to remember your routine is probably a major prerequisite for a career in comedy.
    Let me know what you said if you can remember. (You probably had to be there).


    I responded:
    It would have been some old nonsense. I never know where my one liners come from and as one liners they aren't meant to be repeated or remembered.

  8. Paula laughed at me once. Not a titter since the honeymoon.

  9. One of the funniest things I have ever heard (which I forever repeat to friends) was something you (Ian Mac) told me: the old lady who went into Paula's shop and asked for a poonanny when she meant a panini! Classic!

    A lot of good stand-ups dine out on anecdotes, and as anecdotes go, that's right up there. Maybe one for your set, Heighty?

  10. I can put you in touch with a number of new act nights should you ever decide to give it a go.