I’m always surprised when I wake up in a good mood but
increasingly I’ve noticed that I do. I don’t know why this is, but I like it.
There was a time, and it lasted for quite a while, when I
woke up in what can only be described as deep despair. There were days when I
didn’t smile at all, days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, days when the
thoughts that passed through my head were less than sunny. Of course this mood
crept up on me slowly, like a night beast stalking its prey, a black dog maybe.
Too much uncertainty, change, disillusionment, followed by a long period of not
knowing who I was any more - and suddenly I was down deep and unable to get out
again. I functioned but that was about it. Of course I realised at the time I
was depressed, but I’m not one for doctors and prefer to deal with things
myself.
Then slowly but surely I felt a little better each day.
Again I don’t know why and it wasn’t a quick thing, but gradually it happened
and I began to get a little perspective back. Waking up and wanting to get out
of bed was such a good feeling, noticing that it was a sunny day a bit of a
revelation and a relief.
I wouldn’t say that even now I’m the cheeriest person in the
world all of the time and I still have days when I’m fed up. But then don’t we
all? I do know that I don’t want to go back to where I was ever again and I try
really hard not to let anything or anyone take me there. Self-protection is the
name of the game these days and I manage it by chucking away the rubbish that
some people try to deal me and focussing on the good things around and about
me. It isn’t hard, but in many ways it is the hardest thing I have ever had to
do.
So why am I telling you this? Well, if you are in that
baddest of bad places I just wanted to say that there really is hope even
though you won’t believe me. If you know someone who’s down I’d say to give
them whatever help you can and try not to do anything to make things worse. The
people that really didn’t help me were the ones that insisted on being
destructive and selfish when they knew that I was in a fragile place. They
won’t get the chance again.
I’m hoping that I never have that badness eat into me ever again and
I’m constantly on the lookout for it. Of course, like my funny face stones in
the picture I go through all sorts of emotions daily but generally there are
more smiles than frowns, sadness, or looks of fear and I’m going to keep it
that way regardless of what it takes.
Yes, I’m in a good place now.
Emma Cholmondeley on FB
ReplyDeleteLike, in abundance!! X
Andrew Height
DeleteThanks Emma
David Bell on FB
ReplyDeleteKnow what you mean, I've been there and it's not a good place
Andrew Height
ReplyDeleteYes David. For me everything seems so pointless. Now that I realise that, yes, everything is pointless I can get on and enjoy things - that's the point.
Nick Jenningson FB
ReplyDeletethank you x
So glad you finally got there.
ReplyDeleteMe too Andy, I've been here a while.
Delete