Mr Shouty goes down under…

Yes, it's that loveable Mr Shouty again. Remember he bears no resemblance to any person living or dead and is just an imaginary arsehole dreamt up by me.

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Mr Shouty and his wife have just arrived in Oz and are taking a taxi to their destination.

Did you know that Sidney was named after Sid James the comedian? AM I SURE? OF COURSE I’M SURE WOMAN. IT’S A WELL KNOW FACT!

The Australian taxi driver laughs and informs Mr Shouty that Sydney is spelt with a ‘y’ and not an ‘i’.

YES, I know. SYDNEY JAMES the great British comedian who appeared in all those Carry On films. LOOK, LOOK, A WALLABY!

Mr. Shouty points at a small, long-eared, fluffy creature nibbling on the grass.

A WALLABY! A WALLABY!

The taxi driver laughs and informs Mr Shouty that it’s actually a rabbit mate.

I’M SORRY! I DO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RABBIT AND A WALLABY YOU KNOW AND I’M NOT YOUR MATE! DO YOU THINK I WAS BORN YESTERDAY? WELL, I’M SORRY BUT I WASN’T AND I KNOW A WALLLABY WHEN I SEE ONE. I KNOW YOUR GAME. YOU’RE TRYING TO TRICK ME. YOU’RE TRYING TO CONFUSE ME SO THAT YOU CAN OVERCHARGE ME WHEN WE ARRIVE. YOU’RE ALL THE SAME YOU TAXI DRIVERS, RIPPING OFF INNOCENT PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE BRITISH AND CALLING THEM MATE WHEN YOU AREN’T. WELL, I’M TELLING YOU IF IT WASN’T FOR US BRITS DEPORTING ALL OUR LOW LIFE THERE WOULDN’T EVEN BE A AUSTRALIA!

The taxi driver politely asks Mr Shouty to calm down and corrects his English, telling him it’s ‘an’ Australia.

DON’T YOU CORRECT ME YOU AUSSIE CONVICT RIP OFF MERCHANT. I’M SORRY, BUT YOU NEED TO START LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD. YOU’RE TRYING TO RIP ME OFF AND WHOSE LANGUAGE IS IT ANYWAY? WELL, I WON’T STAND FOR IT. I’VE WORKED FOR THE POLICE YOU KNOW. LET’S SEE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS WHEN I REPORT YOU TO THEM. I’M SORRY BUT I’M WRITING DOWN YOUR NUMBER. YOU’RE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS. TRYING TO CHARGE ME WELL OVER THE ODDS FOR A TAXI RIDE AND MAKING OUT I’M STUPID. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN ALL MY LIFE!

The taxi driver stops the car and asks Mr Shouty and his wife to get out.

DON’T WORRY I’M GOING. I’M SORRY, BUT I’M NOT HANGING AROUND HERE TO BE INSULTED BY THE LIKES OF YOU. I WOULDN’T STAY IN THIS TAXI IF IT WAS THE LAST ONE FOR A HUNDRED MILES!

As Mr Shouty and his wife get out of the taxi the driver informs them that it is. They are left somewhere in the dusty outback.

PRAT! THAT MAN’S A IDIOT, A IDIOT I TELL YOU! THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF TAXIS AROUND HERE. PRAT. LOOK THERE GOES ANOTHER WALLABY, YOU CAN TELL THEM BY THEIR FLUFFY WHITE TAILS. TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI! TAXI!

Mr Shouty strides off along the dusty, empty road leaving his wife to follow him carrying the bags like a beaten dingo - all she wanted was a sit down.