I guess that I should - need to - write something. I haven’t been doing it for a while because my mind is full of muddle and futility. I’m losing you see, losing at everything it seems ,and whilst I wouldn’t describe myself as a winner I didn’t think that I was a loser either.
Loser - make the ‘L’ with your fingers and thumb, slap it on your forehead and point at me. I’m losing so frequently these days that I question why I even bothered. I even wonder if any of it is important anyway. So what about justice? Who cares about cheating and lies? Well lies are just what people do to stop them from being accountable aren’t they?
I’m lost in the process and lost is just another form of losing. I’m directionless and I can’t see when I’m going to find direction again or even if I want to. This isn’t depression – God knows I recognise that – this is lack of hope. So not only am I a loser and lost, I’m also hopeless.
So where’s the sparkle jar these days? Did I leave it somewhere? Did somebody take it when I wasn’t looking?
Listen, I need to pull myself together, get a grip, sort my head out. I’m not expecting the lights to come fully back on or the sparkle jar to start gleaming again. But if I can’t find a few lights then it’s all going to be darkness and, whilst I’m not scared of the dark, there has to be a little light even if it is at the end of this very dark tunnel. I have to keep remembering what a wonderful life this is, or could be if I’d just accept the unacceptable inevitability that I'm not going to win in the end.
I’ll work on that then basis then and try and get some sparkle back in my jar. So that's enough of that. Tomorrow is another day.