Performing miracles…

Where to begin? Well, I guess that the beginning is best.

I'll never trust that Jesus fucker again. Five loaves, two fishes? I told him that there were 5,000 to feed, but he insisted there he could only see 5. He should have gone to specsaviours!

Another example of my odd sense of humour posted on Facebook to titillate or offend, I’m not sure which; it depends on where you stand on the Jesus thing and the ‘F’ word I suppose, but at least these days I won’t be burnt at the stake as a heretic. It struck me as funny at the time, it still does actually, but it didn’t get a great response. Maybe I should have just posted: ‘A pint? That’s almost an armful.’ Hancock quotes always seem to get a few comments.

Well, at least I tried and somewhere in those lines there is something truly funny. I can see why so many great comedians kill themselves though.

Religion seems to have featured a lot in my thinking recently. I don’t know why, there’s nothing huge going on in my life which means I need a god or anything. Well, not much unless you count the tick-tock of the clock as I rush towards non-existence or whatever else there may be.

Anyway, I did another one of those Facebook quizzes this morning. Yes, I’m still addicted; although it could be worse, it could be Candy Crush. Leaving addiction alone (see what I did there), this particular quiz arrived at the conclusion that I’m probably an atheist.

An atheist? An atheist! Jesus, I don’t think so.

In response I immediately posted on Facebook: “I am patently not an athiest. I believe that all things are part of a whole. Call that God if you will, but I call it The Church of the All Embracing Whale. Come worship the Whale with me - Brother Blue. Just inbox me your credit card details for membership (unfortunately we can't take Amex or Paypal). May the whale always swim in your ocean.”

Yet another nail in my comedic coffin methinks… That’s almost an armful now.

On a more serious note, I once almost believed that all the whales on Earth, collectively, together, might form God and by hunting them we might be killing the most powerful force in the universe. I don’t know why I thought this, but at the time, and for a while, it made complete sense to me. This was before that Star Trek movie with the whales I hasten to add.

I know. I soon shut up about it; I couldn’t take the ridicule and guffaws from my fellows. Luckily they didn’t section me and as a concept I still believe that there might be something in it. Let’s face it; it’s just as likely as Jesus feeding five thousand with four loaves and two fishes.

This made me remember eating tuna and cucumber sandwiches on long, boring, Sunday afternoons when I was a kid. Yum, yum, tuna and cucumber sandwiches with lashings of vinegar. Happy days? Well no, but the sandwiches were nice.

Perhaps that’s how Jesus did it.

The biggest bluefin tuna ever caught was caught this month by New Zealand angler, Donna Pascoe. Donna landed a 907-pound Pacific bluefin tuna; smashing the world record and, if she’d have been allowed to sell it in Japan, making over a million quid in the process. Of course she wasn’t allowed to sell. Only licensed commercial fishers are allowed to sell their tuna in New Zealand, so she’s stuffing it instead.

Now that’s what I call a waste of perfectly good fish, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall would have a fishy fit and wear a T-shirt saying so, after all that one fish would have made 1,769 cans of tuna and that’s 2,875 sandwiches.

With a couple of those under his belt (he did wear a belt didn’t he? If not how did he keep his trousers up?) I think Jesus could easily have fed the five thousand with 2 fishes. Of course he’d have needed five of the loaves baked in Portugal during the Bread and Bakers’ Party on 10 July 2005. A continuous loaf 1,211.6 m in length was baked over 59:30 hours. The massive loaf contained a total of 4846 kg wheat flour, 3029litres water, 242kg leaven, 121kg salt and would have made… Well, quite a few sandwiches.

Yes, that would have done it. Five thousand picnickers at the Sermon on the Mount (I know that isn't the same incident but call it artistic license) all fed tuna sandwiches made from two loaves and five fishes, albeit bloody big ones.

Perhaps there’s not so much to this miracle working after all.