Grumpy, moi?

I’ve had a diagnoses from my wife and apparently I have a bad case of early onset Grumpy Old Man Syndrome, or GOMS as it is called by the medical profession. Now there’s a lot of evidence to suggest that the condition is caused by a drop in the testosterone levels of men as they get older. That’s as maybe, but I hung up my balls long ago and I’m more of the opinion that men become GOM’s simply because they can, and wear that particular badge of honour with pride. I know I do. Well, I’ve worked long and hard for it.

I seem to alternate between being in my mid-teens – Woooo! Cor! Mine’s a lager and lime with a vodka chaser – to suffering from Grumpy Old Man Syndrome and trust me it is suffering. But mainly for those around me and not for myself. Of course there are many, many triggers that can send me spinning into a bad bout of GOMS and I’m even managing to find new ones every day.

Parking is a big one. Not my parking obviously, but people parking on the road when they have empty driveways. Worse still, and guaranteed to instantly turn me into a total GOM, is people coning off the spaces outside their houses. No, no, no, no, no! Not only is this illegal, but it’s bloody selfish and I invariably move them off the road making me appear to be an even grumpier old man than I actually am and fall out with neighbours in the process.

Fortunately, I don’t support a football team. So that area of grumpiness doesn’t apply to me, but it is one of the top five causes of GOM syndrome as many of my friends on Facebook seem to confirm. Mind you I more than make up for the football with those bloody drivers who seem to think my car is invisible and pull out on me, cut me up, or refuse to give way when the obstruction is on their bloody side. In these circumstances I can rapidly go from a GOM to a GOM with RR (Road Rage) and when that happens even I am amazed at the inventiveness of my shagfuckarsewanking swearing.

I would talk about arrogant Lycra clad male cyclists, but most of you know my stance on that (hang them) and since my daughter left home leaving the lights on isn’t an issue at all – kerching! Of course, the manners of the packs of bloody grammar school boys who block the road in their thousands mornings and afternoons is still good value and obviously the cost of petrol is a constant GOM catalyst. For a lot of men my age losing the TV remote is a GOM issue (as is not knowing which remote does what) but I am lucky enough to have a wife that makes all the TV watching decisions for me and hence I don’t even need to pick it up.

Other things on my GOM list are reality TV shows, animal TV shows, people who say borrow when they mean lend, The Great Cake Bake, rap music, game consuls, not being able to find my socks / trousers / pants / favourite T-shirt / a pencil / a screwdriver, the stupidity of people in power and authority in our country, the stupidity of people in power and authority in other countries (particularly the US), stupid people generally (and there are a lot of those), doctors, pushing in at the bar, the price of beer, silly trendy bars that only sell bottled beers, my mobile phone that always refuses to follow my instructions, the cost of parking, predictive text, poor customer service, dial 1 for anything, wi-fi, James Martin, the weather (this can include rain, wind, snow, sunshine, fog and general cloud), weather forecasters, sweets not tasting like they used to and any number of other really annoying things including that bloody ad with James Corden where the car spins around and around into a parking space. Who gets a parking space when you need one anyway? Apart from that I’m pretty well balanced most of the time.

Just don’t get me started that’s all.