Thursday 31 January 2013

Scarecrow, getting on with it and one for me…

Here’s one for me. I’ll keep it brief.

Two years today I drove back from Scarborough a different person. Yes, two years and I’m still trying to define who that different person is. I can hardly believe it. Of course not finding a proper job has been a disappointment. It’s hard to accept that after so much nobody really wants you. I’ve come close, very close, but no cigar - maybe it’s time to give up smoking. I’ve tried lots of things, hoping to bring back whoever I was or find whoever I am, but none of them have quite worked and I’m running out of ideas. Sometimes it’s like my identity has been stolen, it’s like I have lost my soul, become a shadow. Sometimes it’s like time passes but without me really involved in its passing like a scarecrow in a field; a not quite person passing for a person. I don’t like it. Sometimes (often) I don’t like myself. Sometimes everything seem increasingly pointless, I feel unable to make a difference. Instead, I just get on with it. A plain man, in a plain world, just getting on with it. I stick to my routines, find refuge where I can, take solace in the simple. I Sleep. I Eat. I Drink. All the things us scarecrows do.

It’ll change one day I expect.

There, one for me.

2 comments:

  1. Facebook:
    Sharon Taylor
    Andrew Height, I am so sorry you feel this way because you are so many people, a Daddy, a Husband, a Brother, a Son, a Nephew a Cousin, Yourself, take time to reflect on what you have and what makes you happy,there are so many people who would like what you have, step out of yourself and put yourself in the shoes of someone else and then look at yourself again, because believe me it aint so bad xxxxxxxxxxx
    12 hours ago · Like · 1

    Richard Shore
    It sounds like a shitty place to be
    11 hours ago · Like

    Richard Shore
    Is the painting one of yours?
    11 hours ago · Like

    Vicky Sutcliffe
    Xx
    11 hours ago · Unlike · 1

    Andrew Height
    Ah, but I ain't anyone else so no use pretending and if they want what I have they better be careful what they wish for. As for those titles - well, some fit but these days I'm nobody's son and to be honest that's a relief. As for step out of myself - just what do you think I'm doing?
    10 hours ago · Like

    Andrew Height
    No Rik it isn't mine. It will be one day though.
    10 hours ago · Like

    Lindsey Messenger
    xxxx
    10 hours ago · Like

    David Bell
    Depends if you are defined by Pindar/Yell or if you are defined by what you are and what you can do. Methinks the latter.
    9 hours ago · Edited · Like

    Andrew Height
    Agreed David, no problem with definition it's the defining that's the problem.
    A few seconds ago · Like

    ReplyDelete
  2. Messages from Linda and Emma too.

    I needed to write this down, but I know that many people of the 'count your blessings' frame of mind won't quite get it. Well, my cup is always half-empty and 'twas always so. But it isn't that. It really is a real sense of confusion as to who I am and what I am doing. Probably part that bloody work ethic that was drummed into me as a child, probably part this ridiculous sense of responsibility for people around me, probably part laziness. I don't know. But nothing helps that morning waking every day and the realisation that I'm not who I want to be. And yes... I know. Only I have the power to do something about that.

    ReplyDelete