Two years today I drove back from Scarborough
a different person. Yes, two years and I’m still trying to define who that
different person is. I can hardly believe it. Of course not finding a proper
job has been a disappointment. It’s hard to accept that after so much nobody
really wants you. I’ve come close, very close, but no cigar - maybe it’s time
to give up smoking. I’ve tried lots of things, hoping to bring back whoever I
was or find whoever I am, but none of them have quite worked and I’m running
out of ideas. Sometimes it’s like my identity has been stolen, it’s like I have
lost my soul, become a shadow. Sometimes it’s like time passes but without me
really involved in its passing like a scarecrow in a field; a not quite person
passing for a person. I don’t like it. Sometimes (often) I don’t like myself.
Sometimes everything seem increasingly pointless, I feel unable to make a
difference. Instead, I just get on with it. A plain man, in a plain world, just
getting on with it. I stick to my routines, find refuge where I can, take
solace in the simple. I Sleep. I Eat. I Drink. All the things us scarecrows do.
It’ll change one day I expect.
There, one for me.
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ReplyDeleteSharon Taylor
Andrew Height, I am so sorry you feel this way because you are so many people, a Daddy, a Husband, a Brother, a Son, a Nephew a Cousin, Yourself, take time to reflect on what you have and what makes you happy,there are so many people who would like what you have, step out of yourself and put yourself in the shoes of someone else and then look at yourself again, because believe me it aint so bad xxxxxxxxxxx
12 hours ago · Like · 1
Richard Shore
It sounds like a shitty place to be
11 hours ago · Like
Richard Shore
Is the painting one of yours?
11 hours ago · Like
Vicky Sutcliffe
Xx
11 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Andrew Height
Ah, but I ain't anyone else so no use pretending and if they want what I have they better be careful what they wish for. As for those titles - well, some fit but these days I'm nobody's son and to be honest that's a relief. As for step out of myself - just what do you think I'm doing?
10 hours ago · Like
Andrew Height
No Rik it isn't mine. It will be one day though.
10 hours ago · Like
Lindsey Messenger
xxxx
10 hours ago · Like
David Bell
Depends if you are defined by Pindar/Yell or if you are defined by what you are and what you can do. Methinks the latter.
9 hours ago · Edited · Like
Andrew Height
Agreed David, no problem with definition it's the defining that's the problem.
A few seconds ago · Like
Messages from Linda and Emma too.
ReplyDeleteI needed to write this down, but I know that many people of the 'count your blessings' frame of mind won't quite get it. Well, my cup is always half-empty and 'twas always so. But it isn't that. It really is a real sense of confusion as to who I am and what I am doing. Probably part that bloody work ethic that was drummed into me as a child, probably part this ridiculous sense of responsibility for people around me, probably part laziness. I don't know. But nothing helps that morning waking every day and the realisation that I'm not who I want to be. And yes... I know. Only I have the power to do something about that.