The conversations of Mr. Cat…

Hello people things. How very lucky you are to be reading this. My wisdom knows no bounds and I am about to impart a little of it to you.

No, there’s no need to thank me just yet - later maybe, and preferably with fish.

Let me introduce myself. I am Mr. Cat as you’ll know if you managed to read the title of this post. Today I’m going to try to help you all understand why cats are the supreme beings in this universe which we so generously share with you lesser creatures - the mice, dolphins, pigs, donkeys, dogs, and of course you lot.

Firstly, we cats are vastly more intelligent than you humans. In fact most animals are smarter than humans. Not dogs of course, but even wood lice are smarter than humans. You won’t catch a wood louse wasting his time inventing anything, they’re far too busy scuttling around under damp logs and contemplating time to invent. In fact the wood lice control time and without their constant focus time would not exist at all. I bet that you didn’t know that did you? Just how did you think they disappeared so easily?

Secondly, you are so completely reliant on tools. You even need tools to eat your food. Now I’m no fan of pigs, but how many pigs do you see eating their dinner with a spoon? Pigs can eat anything without a single metal implement being involved.

The list of animal superiority is endless, the proof irrefutable.

Elephants have better memories than those computer things you rely on so much. Squirrels can gather up to 250 nuts in less than 3 days - enough for a whole winter - whilst you have to go shopping three times a week at least. Dolphins can do a complete and elegant 360 in the air and underwater and you can’t really do either. All animals, even the dumbest dog, can sense danger a mile away whilst you lot walk straight into it. Even those nasty sharks can smell dinner at vast distances, unluckily for you.

So just what exactly makes you lot so great? You’ve destroyed the earth in just about every way possible and eventually you’ll destroy yourselves. And when you eventually manage it at least some of us animals will survive, even if it’s just the bacteria hurtling through space on the broken fragments of the planet.

You may have been to the tops of mountains and to the depths of the oceans, you may have even learnt to fly eventually, but you had to work so hard to get there. You may think that landing on the moon was the human race’s greatest achievement, but we travelled the galaxy long before you were even a twinkle in evolution’s eye.

Animals are superior to humans and most superior of all is the cat and just how do I know this?

Because - I - am - a -cat - stupid!

Now fetch me my fish.