That bloody royal wedding...

10 am, Fiday 29th April, 2011.

And here it is, the Royal Wedding day - what a bloody nuisance. No street parties down our street at least - thank heavens for small mercies.

I can’t say that I was awaiting it with baited breath but now that it’s here I’m glad that the sun is almost shining for them but there's no way that I'm going to waste my morning watching it on TV. I have better things to do with my time like avoiding the television that is on in the lounge, wife and daughter ooing and ahhing as the scene unfolds.

After all, what has it got to do with me?

"I wouldn't swap places with the royals." some people say. Well I bloody would. It's the money, the travel and the exquisite food and drink that attracts me - not to mention the sex with princesses.

No, I'm not going to waste my morning watching it on the television, but I might just listen to it on Radio 4, so that I can sneer in an informed rather than an ignorant manner. Or I might just have it on in the background so that I can all the better ignore it - after all, it's impossible to ignore something that isn't there.

So I start up my laptop to listen online and I find that even Google are celebrating the day, we have them to thank for the illustration above (please don’t sue me I’ve given you bloody credit).

Yes, I'll have it on it the background but I'm not going to listen.

But as I don't listen I begin to get caught up in the excitement, isn't that annoying. Well maybe I'll listen for a few minutes, not the ceremony though, definitely not the ceremony, just the comments from the common people being interviewed on the streets. The silly people who've camped out for days to catch a glimpse of the wedding procession as it passes by. Poor fools.

“It’s terrific, it’s amazing, it’s electric.” Somebody outside of the Abbey just said on the radio and I’m sure it must be. They must be either mad, American, or Australian to actually be there though.

“I think it’s incredible to be here.” Another spectator on the radio has just commented. I guess it must be then, but she doesn't sound as if she's from the colonies or even a tiny bit mad. Maybe I’m just too much the cynic.

The crowd just roared and the flags are waving. I can't see them but in my mind I see thousands of Union flags fluttering in the breeze. Prince William is on his way in a Bentley I've just heard and apparently he looks magnificent in his red uniform as he travels alongside Harry, his brother and best man, on the way to the rest of his life.

I listen to the cheers as they pass those stupid waiting crowds.

“I wonder what the conversation is between Prince William and Prince Harry?” The commentator has just asked as the bells start to peal high above the heads of the crowd, flags continuing to wave in my mind as the brothers pass Downing Street and approach Parliament Square.

I wonder too. Is it a conversation about beer? Hunting? Best honeymoon sexual positions?

I guess I'll never know as suddenly they are there, stepping out of the car and waving to the ten deep crowd before walking slowly into the Abbey.

I wonder what they look like resplendent in their uniforms, I wonder what the queen will wear, I wonder what the dress will be like. Will they stumble over the words or perhaps a yeoman of the guard will faint with all the excitement?

No I can’t take any more. I’m going to have to watch.

So I casually saunter into the living room and take a seat.

"I thought you weren't going to watch it." Gaynor taunts.
"I'm not."
"Well just keep quiet, and no remarks."
"As if I would." I sneer.

And I don't.

I just watch as the marriage takes place and what an hour full of pomp and splendour; uniforms, flowers, smiles, nerves, hats, bishops, music, choirs, carriages, kisses, waves and a riderless bolting horse. The queen in yellow, Harry and Will so confidently uniformed, and a soon to be Princess in a dress that for once was not a disappointment. No fainting Beefeater though, and they were word-perfect, not a stumble, quiver, or mix-up with the names.

Bloody royal wedding, I wasn't going to watch it. But I’m pleased when the sun comes out for them.

Damn and blast! I bloody watched it.

I know, I won't watch the next one. Well, not unless it's Prince Harry's.