Mr Shouty shouts some more...

Remember Mr Shouty that wholly fictitious character who bears no resemblance to any person living or dead? Well, he’s been up to his old fictitious shouty games again – doing that coercively controlling thing, bullying, making threats and generally intimidating people he shouldn’t want to intimidate. It’s almost as if he wants to alienate everyone he’s ever known in the fictitious world that he lives in – family, friends, even strangers.

Wait did I say ‘almost’? That’s exactly what he wants because then he will be totally in control, well totally in control of Mrs Shouty as nobody else will have anything to do with him these days. Even fictitious people won’t tolerate a bullying shithead for ever…

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Mr Shouty is thinking. It doesn’t happen very often, but then he is asleep so maybe his subconscious is taking over.

Mr Shouty is thinking about a world where he’s nice. A world where people like him and don’t shuffle in corners when he turns up. A world where, instead of people avoiding him for his racist, sexist, bullying, really quite mindless views, they engage him in conversation instead of walking away before he makes then throw up.

He’s at a party in a garden and everyone is happy and having a good time. It’s his party and people have come because they want to see him and each other. He’s happy and they are happy too. Nobody dreads being there in case he loses his temper because somebody doesn’t agree that the sky is green, or the world is flat, or that all animals should be kept in cages, or that children should be seen and not heard (SLAP!). Nobody is worried that he may start hitting people and shouting at them for one of his imagined self-deluded reasons.

In this dream his family love him because he is a good person, husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather, he’s a friend.

Yes, in his dream he isn’t a selfish cunt for a while. (Sorry I did try to find another word but none would do and it is Mr Shouty’s dream not mine.)

At first he likes it but then he begins to become uneasy. Wait a minute! People are having a good time. People are laughing and enjoying themselves. People are talking to each other without arguing. This isn’t right! This is dangerous! How can he be in control if he’s not shouting at everyone, setting them all against each other and generally making them do what he wants them to do with his threats and intimidation?

STOP! He screams and wakes himself up.

He’s shaking and in a cold sweat. The way he gets when someone stands up to him or asks him to leave in a shop for making a scene. He’s terrified of what he’s been dreaming. What if it were to become real? Who would he be then? Not the BIG MAN he is now, he’d be weak, he’d be nothing.

WOMAN, CALL THE POLICE. SOMEONE HAS MADE ME HAVE A NIGHTMARE ABOUT ME BEING REASONABLE AND I’M SIMPLY NOT PUTTING UP WITH IT I TELL YOU. DO THEY THINK I WAS BORN YESTERDAY? DO THEY REALLY THINK THAT I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE UP TO?

CALL THE POLICE! CALL THE POLICE!  CALL THE POLICE! I WANT THEM ARRESTED. I WANT THEM THROWN INTO PRISON FOR DARING TO UPSET ME BY MAKING ME HAVE A DREAM ABOUT BEING NICE. IF I WANTED TO BE NICE THEN I WOULD BE, BUT I DON’T I TELL YOU. I’M FAR HAPPIER MAKING EVERYBODY AROUND ME MISERABLE AND SCARED. I’LL CUT THEM OUT OF MY WILL FOR THIS! THEY WON’T GET A PENNY. JUST WATCH ME I TELL YOU. JUST WATCH ME!

NOW CALL THE POLICE WOMAN. IT’LL BE BETTER COMING FROM YOU AND THAT WAY NOBODY CAN SAY THAT I DID ANYTHING WRONG BECAUSE I DIDN’T MAKE THE CALL…

Mrs Shouty picks up the phone with her hand, carefully avoiding the strings Mr Shouty has attached to it over the years and calls the police. ‘I want to report a terrible crime,’ she says through her puppet mouth, ‘some people have been upsetting my husband by standing up to him and that will never do officer.’ After a few minutes of lying and crocodile tears she puts down the phone. ‘They’re on their way.’ She says.

Mr Shouty rubs his fictitious hands together and smiles.

What a nightmare they are.