Do you wish to continue...

It's all about questions isn't it?
'What should I do with my life?'
'What is my life purpose?'
'What can I do with my time that's important?'
'Do I wish to continue just as I am?'

These are questions I ask daily, mainly though: “What can I do with my time?”

I spent most of my life working in an industry that consumed me. I really believed that what I was doing was important, so it came as a real shock when I realised it wasn’t and I had frittered away my time, my life if you want, on something that really didn’t matter.

How easily we fool ourselves. Most of the people on this planet could have told me that a big yellow phone book wasn’t going to make my life fulfilled, and now I feel foolish and empty some days.

Since then I’ve spent my time filling my life with whatever I can find to fill my time. The thing is that none of the things I do make me feel that they are important either. They are just distractions to get me through the day. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not simply waiting for bedtime to come around so that I don’t have to think about filling my time for a few hours to stop me feeling foolish and empty. It doesn’t work though. I usually just end up making myself look more foolish which makes me feel emptier.

I hate feeling like this and I almost don’t know why I do. I have no pressing need to do anything, perhaps that is the problem. I should count my blessings, enjoy my freedom, relax. But somehow that isn’t the way I’m made. Or am I? I don’t know? Do I care? The bottom line is I guess that I feel guilty about adding nothing to anything and anyway anything isn't enough to drive away the nothing.

I’m told that I think too much about these things and I probably do. But it’s a way of doing something whilst doing nothing.

So the real question is – what am I going to do when winter comes?