Mr Shouty watches TV…

He’s still a fictional character resembling no actual person living or dead, but today Mr Shouty is watching television. He particularly likes to watch quiz programmes. He’s been watching them for a while now, watching them very carefully and he knows exactly what THEY are up to… EXACTLY…
Oh, yes he does.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE UP TO. THERE’S NO FOOLING ME. WHAT DO THEY TAKE ME FOR? I’M NOT A PRAT YOU KNOW. IT’S A FIX, ALL A FIX. RUBBISH! RUBBISH I TELL YOU! THOSE LOTTERY BALLS ARE WEIGHTED. IT’S A FIX! IT’S BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN BY TOP SCIENTISTS THAT SOME BALLS COME OUT WEEK AFTER WEEK. JUST YOU WATCH WHAT COMES OUT THIS TIME. I TELL YOU 7 WILL COME OUT AND 43. THEY COME OUT EVERY WEEK. EVERY WEEK I TELL YOU. IT’S A FIX!

The balls are drawn. 9 – 15 – 22 – 23 – 31 – 44 – bonus 46… no 7 and no 43.

THERE I TOLD YOU 7 AND 43 AGAIN! THEY COME OUT EVERY WEEK. IT’S A FIX. A FIX!

From under her clouds Mrs Shouty quietly mentions that 7 and 43 weren’t drawn at all.

WHAT? WHAT? RUBBISH WOMAN! RUBBISH! ARE YOU STUPID WOMAN? THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. 9 IS SO CLOSE TO SEVEN AS TO MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AND 44 MIGHT AS WELL BE 43. THEY CAN’T FOOL ME. IT WAS THE SAME WITH JUICE SONS FRONTERIERS. THAT WAS ALL A FIX TOO. WHEN DID WE EVER WIN THAT I ASK YOU? AND THAT SCHOKOMOELER, EVERY YEAR HE BEAT HARVEY. THEY USED TO LOOSEN THE BRICKS WHEN HARVEY WENT OVER THE WALL. EVERY BLOODY TIME, ALL A BLOODY FIX! AND THAT EUROVISION. A FIX! A FIX I TELL YOU! MOST OF THE SONGS WEREN’T EVEN IN ENGLISH. AND JUDITH CHALMERS GOING ALONG WITH IT ALL. WELL, THEY CAN’T FOOL ME. I DIDN’T COME IN ON THE LAST BANANA BOAT. THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT RUBBISH!

Mr Shouty FRANTICALLY switches channels… Deal or No Deal.

AH! ANOTHER FIX! THIS IS AS BAD. IT’S ALL SCRIPTED YOU KNOW. FIXED BEFORE THEY ANSWER AND THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IS IN THE BOX. THAT’S NOT EVEN THE REAL NOEL EDMUNDS. IT’S OBVIOUSLY A LOOKALIKE. THAT BEARD’S A STICK ON. THEY DO THAT A LOT ON TV. I SHOULD RING THE OCCIFERS AT THE POLICE STATION. GET THEM ARRESTED FOR IMPERSONATING A TV PRESENTER WITHOUT DUE CARE AND ATTENTION. IT’S AN OFFENCE YOU KNOW! AN OFFENCE! I USED TO WORK FOR THE POLICE SO I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE LAW! DID YOU KNOW THAT REG VARNEY FROM ON THE BUSSES IS SELLING CARS ON THE SIDE. IT’S ALL A FIX. WELL I’M NOT WATCHING THIS RUBBISH EITHER…

Mr Shouty switches channels again… Millionaire.

A FIX! ANOTHER FIX! AND HES A PRAT I TELL YOU! JUST LOOK AT HIM, ANOTHER FIX I TELL YOU. ANOTHER FIX!

The £10,000 question comes up on screen: Which of these is not a type of cheese.

1. Edam
2. Ricotta
3. Parmesan
4. Flamenco

The contestants think they know but decide to go 50-50.

JUST WATCH THIS 50-50. IT’S A FIX! IT ALWAYS LEAVES THE TWO ANSWERS THAT COULD BE RIGHT, AND ONE OF THEM ALWAYS IS! IT’S A FIX!

Mrs Shouty says that she thinks the answer is Flamenco as it’s a dance.

RUBBISH WOMAN! I KNOW THAT FLAMEMCO’S A CHEESE. I’VE EATEN IT. DO YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE EATEN? THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS RICOTTA. IT’S OBVIOUSLY A MADE-UP WORD. THEY DO THAT YOU KNOW. TRY AND CONFUSE YOU SO THAT YOU DON’T WIN THE MONEY. NOBODY WINS ANYTHING ON THIS PROGRAMME. IT’S A FIX! YOU JUST WATCH, IT’LL LEAVE A AND B.

It leaves C and D. The contestant answers D – Flameco - Final Answer. And wins.

THERE – TOLD YOU! WHATTT!! RUBBISH! IT ISN’T FLAMENCO, IT’S RICOTTA. IT’S A FIX I TELL YOU. A FIX! WELL THEY CAN’T FOOL ME. I’M SORRY BUT I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP! I’M NOT WATCHING THIS RUBBISH ANY MORE!

Mr Shouty turns off the TV, hurls the remote control at the wall, snatches the plug from the socket and smashes it into pieces by repeatedly banging it on the floor.

GRRRRRRR. IT’S ALL FIXED. IT’S ALL FIXED. IT’S ALL FIXED. IT’S ALL FIXED. IT’S ALL FIXED. I’M SORRY, BUT I’M NOT STANDING FOR IT. I’M GOING TO BED TO WATCH TELEVISION. 

Before Mrs Shouty has chance to reply Mr Shouty storms out of the room slamming the door behind him. She sits in the silence listening to the rain fall on her head. She was looking forward to Coronation Street. Sometimes she wishes that someone would fix him.