I’ve had a diagnoses
from my wife and apparently I have a bad case of early onset Grumpy Old Man
Syndrome, or GOMS as it is called by the medical profession. Now there’s a lot
of evidence to suggest that the condition is caused by a drop in the
testosterone levels of men as they get older. That’s as maybe, but I hung up my balls long ago and I’m more of
the opinion that men become GOM’s simply because they can, and wear that particular
badge of honour with pride. I know I do. Well, I’ve worked long and hard for
it.
I seem to
alternate between being in my mid-teens – Woooo! Cor! Mine’s a lager and lime with a vodka chaser –
to suffering from Grumpy Old Man Syndrome and trust me it is suffering. But
mainly for those around me and not for myself. Of course there are many, many triggers that can
send me spinning into a bad bout of GOMS and I’m even managing to find new ones
every day.
Parking is
a big one. Not my parking obviously, but people parking on the road when they
have empty driveways. Worse still, and guaranteed to instantly turn me into a
total GOM, is people coning off the spaces outside their houses. No, no, no,
no, no! Not only is this illegal, but it’s bloody selfish and I invariably move
them off the road making me appear to be an even grumpier old man than I actually
am and fall out with neighbours in the process.
Fortunately,
I don’t support a football team. So that area of grumpiness doesn’t apply to
me, but it is one of the top five causes of GOM syndrome as many of my friends
on Facebook seem to confirm. Mind you I more than make up for the football with
those bloody drivers who seem to think my car is invisible and pull out on me,
cut me up, or refuse to give way when the obstruction is on their bloody side.
In these circumstances I can rapidly go from a GOM to a GOM with RR (Road Rage)
and when that happens even I am amazed at the inventiveness of my shagfuckarsewanking
swearing.
I would
talk about arrogant Lycra clad male cyclists, but most of you know my stance on
that (hang them) and since my daughter left home leaving the lights on isn’t an
issue at all – kerching! Of course, the manners of the packs of bloody grammar school
boys who block the road in their thousands mornings and afternoons is still
good value and obviously the cost of petrol is a constant GOM catalyst. For a lot
of men my age losing the TV remote is a GOM issue (as is not knowing which
remote does what) but I am lucky enough to have a wife that makes all the TV
watching decisions for me and hence I don’t even need to pick it up.
Other
things on my GOM list are reality TV shows, animal TV shows, people who say
borrow when they mean lend, The Great Cake Bake, rap music, game consuls, not
being able to find my socks / trousers / pants / favourite T-shirt / a pencil /
a screwdriver, the stupidity of people in power and authority in our country,
the stupidity of people in power and authority in other countries (particularly
the US), stupid people generally (and there are a lot of those), doctors,
pushing in at the bar, the price of beer, silly trendy bars that only sell
bottled beers, my mobile phone that always refuses to follow my instructions, the
cost of parking, predictive text, poor customer service, dial 1 for anything, wi-fi,
James Martin, the weather (this can include rain, wind, snow, sunshine, fog and
general cloud), weather forecasters, sweets not tasting like they used to and
any number of other really annoying things including that bloody ad with James
Corden where the car spins around and around into a parking space. Who gets a
parking space when you need one anyway? Apart from that I’m pretty well
balanced most of the time.
Just don’t
get me started that’s all.
