And all because...

What a day for mystery men yesterday was. Lord Lucan was officially declared dead after over forty years and the Milk Tray Man was brought back to life, black roll-neck sweater and all. I guess that Lucky Lucan wasn’t delivering chocolates to his wife all those years ago and the latest Milk Tray Man may have to rethink his purpose as well.

Tastes have changed and I wonder if Milk Tray chocolates are really relevant to most women’s lifestyles these days? Firstly, choc box noshing is dropping off generally and secondly most right-thinking - i.e. taken in by the product marketers - women are more dark chocolate than milk. Of course a bit of sea salt, caramelised onion, and nice hot chilli goes a long, long way towards the new chocolate experience as well. It’s more Green and Black organic and Hotel Chocolat for these switched on, right on kinda girls. Heaven forbid even a sniff of a strawberry cream or a soft orange centre should pass their lips. Chocolate sex is what the ladies want and milk chocolate is so yesterday.

Then there’s the macho image dressed all in black thing, more Lord Lucan on a home visit than a twenty-first century man. Men are expected to do a bit more than jump out of helicopters to deliver a box of chocolates these days. Men need to cook, understand Pilates, do their share of the housework, pick up the kids from school, grow a big bugger-off beard, wear their jeans too low, and of course have opinions on eyebrow tinting. Being able to drive a speedboat, dangle from a rope ladder, or dive off a hundred foot cliff really isn’t going to impress the ladies too much any more.

And what about those ladies? Surely in these liberated times straight guys, gay guys and guyettes, transgender errrrr people, and maybe even some animals potentially should have chocolates delivered to them as well. After all, we are an inclusive society. Not that the Milk Tray man turning up at an upstairs window is going to go down very well for anyone who doesn’t have a S&M fantasy. Dressing like a terrorist and sneaking into a private residence is likely to get him shot by the police or at least ten hours community service.

Yes, the Milk Tray man might well prove be past his sell by date, a bit like Lucky Lucan I guess. I wonder what sort of chocolate he would be in the Milk Tray box? Maybe he’d be ‘The Lucky - a smooth taste of mystery that will disappear in a moment.” Who knows?