Rambles and doodles 2105 - 2016…

Whoops I almost missed out an ‘e’.

I’ve been away as a few of you may have noticed. A few days away from the real world, time to take stock, have a think and consider what I need to do to make things easier for myself.

Of course rather than do that, I drank, slept more than usual and generally just wasted my time doing nothing and literally doodling my way into 2016.

On the stroke of midnight I found myself pen in hand and thinking (to paraphrase rock legends The Who) meet the New Year, same as the old year.

Well, what did I expect? Repetition is what I do! I’m an old dog and new tricks are not to be learnt. It’s just my medicine, taken daily, over and over, in the false hope that there is a cure - and I know that there really isn’t. Big fish will eat little fish, we are all puppets, don’t go into the woods, you can run but you can’t hide and even the Ju-Ju Jesus can’t save me; not from the old year that’s passed and certainly not from the new one to come.

Of course last year taught me nothing. Well, I may have said this before, but what did I expect? I upset and angered some people by saying and writing what I honestly think and believe, even had the police around for saying my piece and not giving in to bullying, overbearing family figures. And at the end of 2015 I found myself asking myself out loud as Big Ben bonged and the fireworks flew on the telly, why do I do this? Why don’t I just stop and give myself a break? Why don’t I just give in and seek a less angst ridden path? Actually, why don’t I just throw away my saintly cross, shut the fuck up and let the ship flounder on the rocks?

Why indeed?

The truth is that I don’t know. I pretend that it’s because I have no choice, but of course I do. I may not know the why, but I do know that at the end of the day it’s all about me. For good or bad it’s always been about me and if I stop telling people what I think, pointing out an alternative view, simply give in to what people want and be silent; then just who am I? Not me I think, and perhaps if I did stop then I wouldn’t even exist. I still hear the echoes of the past. You see little boys should be seen and not heard, but I haven’t been a boy for a very long time and I don’t think I was ever supposed to be little.

Sometimes I start to believe that it would be easier to just STFU and be quiet. Other times I even think that I should. But with great power comes great responsibility (as someone once said) and although I have no power and am certainly not great, I do feel a responsibility and I have felt that responsibility all my life. I feel responsible and that makes it my responsibility to try to…

Actually, I have no idea what I am trying to do or why and what I’m feeling responsible for. But the Quangle Wangle must have his hat along with a hook to hang it on.

Anyway it’s a new year. If I were sensible I’d resolve to turn over a new and calming leaf, to shut up, stand down, move on and give myself a break. I’d make myself stop feeling responsible and just shut the fuck up. But I’m not going to. I’m going to keep taking my medicine, regardless of who I upset and how it upsets my own sweet applecart. I’m a creature of habit you see and without the blessing of repetition I might just lose my way and God knows where that would take me - although I might end up in the woods, and I don't want to go there.

Happy New Year chums.